Relational Grace

Spirituality Versus Grace

2011-06-10T21:33:00.003-05:00

Super spirituality proffers that heaven is not for the good guys but for the good guys who are able to go everyone better. You know those who have 'spiritual disciplines' embedded into their DNA; disciplines like, tithing, fasting, prayer, small group attendance, giving up 'stuff' for whatever, and/or giving oneself to something, etc. etc. etc. The subtle erosion of grace occurs when one thinks that the gasoline of grace gets better mileage when perfect performance is the additive of choice.

Nonsense! Completely unacceptable! There is no way to tie the kingdom of God to anything you or I do! God's Kingdom is here because the King brings it Himself! Not because we give It a helping hand. You or I may do anything stupid or brilliant with the freedom we have in Grace but whatever you or I do, we must never think that it is worth a plugged nickle in the process of our salvation!

Robert Farrar Capon (Between Noon and Three) remembers that Luther wrote that the reformation was a time when people went blind staggering drunk because they discovered, "in the dusty basement of late medivialism, a whole cellarful of 1500 year old, 200 proof grace -- of bottle after bottle of pure distillate of Scripture that would convince anyone that God saves us single-handed."

Century after century humanity tries to pull itself up by its own bootstraps by worrying about the perfection of their performance and then Gospel of Grace bursts on the scene by flatly stating that the saved were home free even before they started!

Why People Change Their Minds

2011-05-29T22:27:00.005-05:00

I have always been interested in why people change their minds. I am sure you have encountered those who were very persistent in their mind set (stubborn?) and others who seemed very non committal and vague (stubborn?).

My Dad told me years ago, "He does not have reverse in his car, Son..." and by that he meant, that person will not change and therefore will fail!

As long as you have 'reverse in your car' you have a chance at growing and learning and living a fuller life of joy and peace.

But back to my original query: Why People Change Their Minds.

Stories can illustrate this answer (at least partially).

A man went to his priest and asked, "Father, I want you to say a Mass for my favorite dog."

The priest indignately stated, "What!? What do you mean you want me to say a Mass for your dog?"

"Father, it is my pet dog...my favorite dog. I loved that dog and I would like you to offer a Mass for him."

The priest replied, "We don't offer Masses for dogs here! Go to the Episcopalians, Lutherans, or the Methodists...maybe they have a service for you!"

As the man turned to go, he said, "I really loved that dog, he was my favorite! I was planning a million dollar contribution for the Mass."

The priest called out, "Hey wait a minute, you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!"

You never quite know what will influence someone to change their mind!

One Last Post About The Rapture That Did Not Happen

2011-05-22T18:54:00.003-05:00

Dr. Wayne Perry succinctly links the esoteric Gnostic Mindset and the false prophet Harold Campings. Read his great piece here: ( https://www.facebook.com/notes/wayne-perry/harold-campings-fundamental-mistake/227077547302819?notif_t=note_reply )

RJ Cherryholms (a voice from my child hood church) used to preach with the same fervor and passion of the great orators from the past. Wayne has reminded me of one of RJ Cherryholms' sermons on Pride (a cardinal sin even to Protestants! ).

He would thunder...There is the PRIDE OF FACE (spending so much time on the external appearance to the neglect of the internal), There is the PRIDE OF RACE (falsely believing that one's race gives one preference before the Almighty), and the most hideous form of PRIDE, There is the PRIDE OF GRACE (the arrogant belief that one is more holy or more knowledgeable than fellow believers and fellow followers of the lowly Christ).

The arrogance of the human heart that believes he/she has knowledge that no one has ever known previously is the heart failure experienced by Harold Campings and many of his followers.

Dooms Day Has Passed, Again

2011-05-21T18:10:00.004-05:00

As a psychologist (and a follower of Jesus Christ), I have pondered, "why would anyone do what Harold Camping has done...." That is, through his influence and charisma he has participated in the selling of homes, the emptying of savings, and has done this twice. As of 6:15 CST (May 21), I am still here, my wife is here, and we saw several babies today as well!

I once had a dear friend who sold all he had during the year of 1999 (doomsday was coming on Jan 1, 2000, remember), moved his family, and invested hundreds of thousands of dollars on emergency contingencies ( he had a power plant installed in the basement of his new home in the country that would light a small city!)...when Jan 1, 2000 arrived, with no sign of 'the end', he never addressed the issue of being 'wrong.' He had influence over a wide range of my friends who were in varying degrees of fear as 'the day approached'...and when the 'day' passed, he never apologized nor ever addressed this issue again.

Wonder if Harold Camping will do the same or will he fess up and apologize for the errors of his way and realize his paranoia is infectious.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20110521/sc_livescience/norapturenojudgmentmay21doomsdaypredictionfails;_ylt=Ag6vTx_Ia1dIteVFTZwvwHxg.3QA;_ylu=X3oDMTQ5YXF2MmRwBGFzc2V0A2xpdmVzY2llbmNlLzIwMTEwNTIxL25vcmFwdHVyZW5vanVkZ21lbnRtYXkyMWRvb21zZGF5cHJlZGljdGlvbmZhaWxzBGNjb2RlA3RvcGdtcGUEY3BvcwMyBHBvcwMyBHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDbm9yYXB0dXJlbm9q

Learn to Relax and Sleep Like a Baby

2011-05-12T07:13:00.000-05:00

Think about how easy it is for a baby or small child to fall asleep. We're born with the instinct to relax and sleep when our bodies or minds need a break. Over the years, it becomes necessary to control and even suppress these natural urges to rest, since we must remain alert as we attend school, learn professions, go to work, or care for a family. Many people spend years conditioning themselves to perform well despite feelings of tiredness. While no one would argue that suppressing tiredness can be a necessary skill, it can impair our ability to actually "let go" and relax when we do find the time.

Relaxation is also a uniquely individual activity. Napping or just doing nothing might be your idea of relaxation, but this amount of inactivity might drive someone else crazy. Others may relax by participating in sports or undertaking physical challenges, but some people would find these activities stressful. Whatever your idea of relaxation, the following tips can help you re-train and regain some of those lost relaxation skills:

Give yourself permission for some down time. Stop ruminating about work or personal problems or tasks. If it helps, make a to-do list of issues and projects and put it aside during your relaxation time. That way, you won't worry about forgetting or neglecting any responsibilities after your break.

Decide if you're interested in a structured relaxation program, such as courses in meditation, yoga, or martial arts. Some may find this kind of training helpful; others may feel it adds to their stress.

Try some short, simple exercises such as the Muscle Relaxation for Stress and Insomnia, Meditation for Reducing Stress and Improving Health, or 3 Minutes to Stress Relief!

Practice other positive health habits such as getting exercise and eating well. The healthier your body is, the better it can function in all areas, including relaxation. An exhausted, "burned out" state isn't going to bring on restorative or strengthening relaxation.

If necessary, force yourself to take emotional "time out" for relaxation. Practice shutting out stressful thoughts and images for a few minutes at a time to start out. Imagery exercises (visualizing a comforting or pleasurable setting) can help redirect your thoughts.

Accept help. Talk to a loved one or counselor about your stress. The very act of sharing can provide a much-needed release of anger and frustration.

Don't always equate relaxation with sleep. Particularly if you suffer from stress-induced insomnia, daytime napping can just make your nights more wakeful. Instead, focus on an activity that gives you pleasure.

Remember that the best form of relaxation is finding and participating in something that brings you joy - whether it be alone or with others, sedentary or active, goal-directed or aimless - find whatever is it that brings you relaxation and peace.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/sleep-like-a-baby?ecd=wnl_emw_051111

The Unknown Soldiers: Right now

2011-04-01T13:40:00.000-05:00

The Unknown Soldiers: Right now: "'Not one thing was mentioned by the media,' ... 'Why have we not heard of this?'"

Paul Harvey would say, war is about old men sending off young men to die for old men's problems. And now we are on several fronts but for some political reason the Afgan "conflict" is avoided by the media. If it is my son that dies, then it is a war that needs to be focused on by the media.

Everything is political and that sullies the death of these soldiers.

Making a Banquet Out of Crumbs...Another Look at Extra Marital Affairs

2011-03-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

Washingtonpost.com: Health: "the deception hurt the most. 'The relationship can never go anywhere. You're making a banquet out of crumbs.'"

Human hearts are wired to deal with disappointments, grief, sorrows, and loss.Painful? Yes...and endurable and workable.

However, deception is one thing the human heart cannot work through. For a recovery from an affair to begin, there must be the slow rebuilding of trust....built on an openness that is demonstrated daily (hourly) by the infidel...no secrets...full access...and then maybe, just maybe, recovery is possible.

I work weekly with this issue...it is one of unimaginable pain and fraught with multiple challenges. Even with this, as a couple 'calms down', begins to be thoughtful, and begins the process of being open, there is hope for their lives and marriage.

I have seen many couples 'rise from the ashes of pain' and rebuild their lives. Here is an excellent piece on the 'price of an affair.'

How To Change The Quality of the Parent / Child Relationship

2011-03-16T07:03:00.002-05:00

Question:
When you are in a family relationship with someone and they are going through an extremely hard time, physically not feeling well, hormonally challenged, 18 and going through constant life changes, (you get the picture) and they are in almost a constant negative and hurting mood, how do you keep from falling apart yourself while trying to speak in love and show love. Because when you speak it and show it they almost always reject or make it seem like it's not enough. You know they need someone to understand and listen but it seems nothing you do or say makes a difference and they just get upset. I'm desperate for suggestions.

My Answer:
Well, that is a good one...and not to get too technical but let me try this:

Let’s think a bit about two different levels of communication (the reason I start here is that there is a break down in effective communication and emotional reactivity at the heart of most relational difficulties)....

PROCESS VERSUS OUTCOME ORIENTATION

Kids who are process-oriented tend to react to any confrontation (even loving confrontation when they are upset) by persistently focusing on the process of the communication rather than the outcome. If the parent is focused on the outcome (most of us parents are...I will explain more in a moment), there can be a ‘communication breakdown....and it drives us insane’ (to borrow from Led Zepplin?!!).

Imagine you go to the IRS and your present your gripe/complaint to the IRS agent...you are considerate and she is polite, would you be more concerned about whether or not you owed more money (OUTCOME) or would you be more interested in the process of the audit? Most of us would be more interested in the OUTCOME of the audit.

However, if you and I went to the IRS to complain about how complicated the forms are and how aggravating it is to fill out the forms and how much it costs to get a CPA to do our taxes and how unfair the tax bracket we are in and how we have called 12 agents and have gotten 12 different answers to the same question and on and on we go....we are there because we are upset at the whole system...then we are at that point PROCESS oriented...no one there can do one thing to rectify our situation!

Now, for us parents, who are OUTCOME oriented, the goal of a discussion/loving confrontation is to determine the outcome of the discussion. “Be happier” “Get more involved” “Bring grades up” “You should not date that boy” “You must get home by 11:00”....etc. etc. etc. BUT for the process oriented child, the goal is to control the process of the discussion...the discussion is about the discussion, the outcome is secondary. In other words, from the child’s perspective, the winner is the one who controls the process and the parent who tries to ‘win’ by determining the outcome is extremely frustrated...and often has a sense that she/he is not ‘winning’ but does not know why.

Now to THINK a bit more before about this here are three critical questions that must be answered:

1. Who determines the timing of the discussion? Is the discussion chosen by the child? When the child initiates an inopportune moment, is the parent unsuccessful in delaying the discussion until a later time? Does the child allow the parent to initiate conversation about painful issues or will the child only discuss these issues that he /she initiates?

2. Who determines the content and direction of communication during the discussion? For example, the parent comes to child to discuss ISSUE A. The child responds instead by accusing the adult of ISSUE B. The adult defends herself/himself against the child’s accusation of ISSUE B. In this example the adult initiated the content of the discussion (ISSUE A) and the direction (asking the child questions). However, the child quickly takes charge of the process as the subject is now ISSUE B and the direction becomes that of the child’s asking questions (accusations) and the adult engages in self-defense. The child ended up determining the content and direction of the conversation.

3. Who determines the mood of the discussion? Here is an important principle of parent/child relationships: If a parent and a child enter a discussion with two different moods they often leave with the same mood!! The critical issue here is whether the adult takes on the mood of the child or the child takes on the mood of the parent.

Here are some helpful hints to improve this very common situation.

I will prevent the child from determining the timing of the discussions, the direction/content, and mood of the discussion.

The timing can be altered by the parent refusing to engage in the griping / complaining....if the parent can’t contain themselves by not engaging then go to another room in the house for a short while.

To prevent the child from determining the direction/content and mood...I might write notes and leave them for the child to read...especially if this content could possibly be ‘explosive.’

Without a doubt the MOST IMPORTANT piece here is to prevent the child from determining the mood of the discussion or the mood of the home. Sometimes here, the marriage may need some strengthening so that MOM and DAD are working together and not against each other....

The One Who Taught Me How to Love

2011-03-06T07:35:00.003-06:00

My Dad taught me 'how to live...' He was fearless, would try anything, go anywhere, try any recipe, and worked very hard...two jobs! Fearless? Yes, a one wheel trailer and an old Studebaker and an old canvas tent...he took us (1961) from Troy, Ohio to San Francisco on less than $300! Mom had never been out of the states of Kentucky or Ohio and off we went!

My Mom taught me 'how to love...' She laughed at my jokes, laughed, sang, cried, tender, funny, fun to be with, she cooked, loved to cook, worked all my life (two jobs, one at home and one at Hobart). She taught me how to love.

Fifteen years ago today, on March 6, 1996, I watched the undertaker fold my Mother's body into his bag, walked down the hall of our home, and out to his Hearst. I still remember that day and that image...knowing that here her life was over and knowing that one day she will be reunited with the rest of her family for all of eternity.

Thanks Mom...you were, and still are, the best in my mind!

Please, Please, Understand Me!

2011-03-02T15:22:00.002-06:00

There is deep within the human heart a desperate need to be understood…to be known, to be seen for ‘who I am’ and not what you may want me to be! The life journey of ‘being known’ is a sometimes distressing and even a bit fearful but always ends with the joy of discovery.

The person that I am is not some ‘thing’ that you know but is a growing, changing, evolving, and yes even vibrant soul! As life moves, I change and become and discover who I am. John Powell said, “Please do not give me a “batting average,” fixed and irrevocable, because I am “in there” constantly, taking my swings at the opportunities of daily living. Approach me, then, with a sense of wonder, study my face and hands and voice for the signs of change; for it is certain that I have changed. But even if you do recognize this, I may be somewhat afraid to tell you who I am.”

Countless books have been written on becoming a ‘more authentic self.’ The ‘becoming real’ idea has been a popular topic of many conversations; so much so, that we have adopted a phrase “would be please get real!” which, being interpreted means, “Cut the crap, don’t you know who are talking to?!” We want people who are close to us to level with us, talk to us, to tell us who they are and what they are thinking…in other words, to open with us! And with this, I wonder, am I going about this a bit backwards?

You see, books can’t explain this, lectures cannot impart this…this “knowing and being known” thing…not it only occurs within open, honest, connected human relationships. In other words, it must be experienced on the journey of self-discovery. The journey of self-discovery is a voyage that is a bit fearful, daunting at times, and yes even painful….but always ending in ‘becoming a bit more real.’

Children are very good at being real…at least better than most adults. Why? Because they have not developed the need to hide…but they will. They will hide like you and I…behind a smiling face, or a know- it-all attitude, or behind prejudice and bigotry, or behind pouting. We adults have a myriad of games we play to keep people (with whom we do want to be close) at arm’s length…and yet we desire to be understood for who we are! What a conundrum to be in…screaming “please understand me” on the one hand and hiding behind some mask or playing some game on the other.

Several years ago my wife said, “I don’t know anything about you that everyone else does not already know.” I remember thinking, “what a dumb statement…what is it you want to know, I will tell you…” (No additional comments are needed here!). She later asked, “What are your vulnerabilities, your fears?” Again, myopic Me thought, “Me? Vulnerabilities? What are you talking about?”

But with her gentle persistence, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Questions like, “who am I, where did those emotions come from, and why does that upset me?” I found myself (as Morris West wrote) abandoning the search of security and reaching out to live with both arms, beginning to accept pain as a condition of existence, counting doubt and darkness as a condition of knowing, and learning to accept the consequences of living and dying. The life of being real meant knowing my vulnerabilities, owning my vulnerabilities, and disclosing them to others. As I discovered myself and as I ‘knew’ myself more fully, I experienced something very liberating, the need to hide and play games was being replaced with a ‘real me!’ The experience of accepting myself led me to (yep you guessed it), accepting others, and of course accepting her…and through that I found, I am understood and known by her!

Elusive Contentment...The Lost Art of Serenity

2011-03-01T15:04:00.002-06:00

I am not sure there is anything more taxing nor trying to the human soul than to watch your child go down a path that you and I would think is destructive, damaging, and yes, even damning. This can be one of the most challenging 'situations' to my serenity.

A dear friend this morning emailed me the following: "I am writing [about] our daughter...she now is claiming to be a full-fledged atheist. She emails us last night with a video on Youtube of an atheist against Christ and the Bible. It made my heart sick, knowing this is how she is believing...[the daughter further states] 'I'm not trying to argue a case...religion is manmade, all the evidence is there. I was simply sharing something I enjoy.'"

For the past several years, contentment/serenity, as an experiential settling of the human soul, has been something that I have read, pondered, discussed, and even experienced as time goes by. Contentment was sold to me as a by product of getting my world in order and I interpreted that as "make sure there are no loose ends," and I exerted my will upon whatever needed to be 'controlled.' Alas, I soon was to discover that the harder I tried the behinder I got and my serenity suffered as I became more dismayed and the more my life was disrupted the more dismayed I became.

I remember one of those moments (dare I say, epiphanies, you know those sudden, intuitive perceptions of or insights into the essential meaning of something that was initiated by some homely commonplace experience) when a light went off in my mind that flashed this insight onto my soul; "the opposite of contentment is control!" Uh oh!! For me, that brought about a transformative way of thinking that was counter intuitive to all I had believed up to this point. That epiphany changed the way I approached my self, my clients, my church, my family and all of life.

This counter intuitive approach to contentment is grounded in the fundamental truth that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in GOD's world by accident, and therefore, everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. And, further more, until I could accept that truth, I would experience no serenity/contentment. You see, my 'former' belief was grounded in the notion (not a very productive notion, I might add!) that some situation, some event, some person, some thing is unacceptable to me and therefore must be changed! Of course I knew what the change was to 'look like!' And I truly believed, that until those changes occured, I could never experience peace of mind...and as people will do, my beliefs dictated my behaviors and my thoughts and I would do my best to talk you out of, talk you into, make you wish you had, and whatever good passive agressive people do, I would do...all in the name of me 'finding peace!'

However, the peace and content GOD created me to experience is eternally grounded in the truth, that nothing, absolutely nothing happens by accident. And until I could fully accept this life changing principle, I could never find contentment. I often lose my focus and find myself looking at situations and what I expect and disturbs my peace!

So my prayer for my friend, is that the focus of he/his soul will be upon the God he/she trusts in. And when that focus zeros in on that unassaible radiant character of God, he/she will not judge God by the situations of life but will instead, judge the situations of life by the character of God. Then contentment will settle their human soul. And sweet peace will bring rest!

Being Alone…

2010-10-06T15:26:00.005-05:00

Meeting and knowing God is His desire for me.
I often seek to know Him in deep intellectual discussions of Scripture or I ‘hide’ in the loud, hand waving, praise team led, choruses on Sunday morning. But the ‘knowing’ that God desires is not found in knowledge alone, or in corporate ‘praise choruses.’
Am I guilty of receiving knowledge without appreciation, receiving Biblical facts without ecstasy, emotion, eagerness, and exhilaration? Yes, I am guilty, but (as Brenan Manning avers), there is an inevitable time when ‘a moment of truth’ arrives and I am alone…what then?

Plaintively I hear the poet whisper:

Once I stood in the night with my head bowed low
In the darkness as black as the sea
And my heart was afraid and I cried,
Oh Lord, don't hide your face from me.

Hold my hand all the way, every hour, every day
From here to the great unknown
Take my hand, let me stand
Where no one stands alone. (M. Lister)

There, there in my aloneness is the moment of truth…I am alone with Him…
And when the night is bad and nerves are shattered God speaks…God speaks to me through Jesus and tells me the depth of His feelings for me…for me…His love flashes into my soul…pierces the dark corners of fear and doubt…drives out the shadows…and I am over taken by the Mystery that He loves me. He loves me! Not because I am lovable nor in spite of my unloveableness…but He loves me simply because He chooses to and I am His son! That is the saving moment of my existence! Do I dare attempt to escape His love by running into deep intellectual exercises or allow cynicism to ‘bring me back to my senses’? No, a thousand times no, I give myself (once again) to the truth that He loves me as He loves His One and Only! And in that moment, I am ‘found’ and I discover once more that life is worth living!

You Are Gonna Kick Yourself When You Read This...

2010-08-18T07:28:00.002-05:00

Brian McLaren said in an interview that the Cross (Christ’s vicarious sacrifice for our sins) and Hell were distractions from the real truth of the Gospel. This naturally put me on edge. What is he thinking? I thought to myself. He went on to say that when God told us to simply forgive. He did not tell us to push the punishment onto another but instead just forgive and forget. This is true! God never told us to transfer the punishment when forgiving. He did not tell us to forgive our wife and then kick the dog! He told us to forgive and nothing more. But is that all there is to forgiveness? Is it truly a simple act with no transaction of punishment?

When someone cuts in front of you at the movies your mind screams for your personal justice. You wish the Batman of movie ticket lines will come down and say in his growly voice, “Where’s Harvey Dent?!” (I don’t know why he will say that…probably because that is the only quote I can think of right now…). Thus, he freaks out the person who cut and runs them off with terror and justice! An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! You do deserve justice and it would be morally right for Batman to come to your aid (you probably should have just got your movie tickets online…). If I leave the seat up on the toilet, my wife has the right to enact justice by “accidentally” turning off my video game before I save my progress. MARIOOOOOO!!! Vengeance, whether from the letter of the governmental law or from personal vendettas, is a natural and just act. The Old Testament says that if a person ACCIDENTLY kills one of your family members; you are allowed to KILL them! Crazy stuff, right!? What if somebody owes money to their friend, boss, or bank? They HAVE to repay! This is justice.

In all the situations above, what if each person wronged forgave the offender? You forgive the person who cut in line, my wife forgives me, the banker forgives the debtor, and the family member forgives the accidental killing. Does the justice simply disappear? I would say…wait for it…nope! (Yea Psych reference!) It IS transferred. Not to a dog but back onto the person who forgives. You lose your place in line, my wife swallows her pride, the banker loses money, and the family member loses justice for the death of a loved one.

What Brian McLaren forgets is that Christ IS God. God is not kicking some dog when He is transferring justice. He is reflecting the punishment onto Himself. That is what the person who forgives always does: they swallow the justice and do not give the person that wronged them their “just desserts.” God brought the payment of death, which was rightfully ours, upon Christ. We wrong God when we mock His holiness by our sin and He “simply” (does not seem like the right word anymore…) forgives us.

Published by Benjamin Trent
http://www.facebook.com/#!/note.php?note_id=432180803016&ref=notif¬if_t=note_tag

Casting a Long Shadow

2010-02-21T21:23:00.002-06:00

The last week of January (2010) I conducted the funeral of one Florence Young. She was 99 years of age when she died and one of the several sisters of Sara King (who is 106 and whose funeral I will have the honor of doing some day). Florence was one of the earliest Rosie the Riveters who worked on air plane assembly out at Maxwell Air Force Base (in Montgomery, AL). One measure of her influence is seen in her family. She had FOUR children (three preceded her), 19 grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, 61 great-great-grandchildren, and 3 great, great, great-grandchildren!

Ah, but read about the dear Jewish lady (93 at death) and her influence. God said multiply and did she ever!! Maybe 2000 descendants. She did not want her children to collect photographs of her and, often said “Just keep me in your heart, If you leave a child or grandchild, you live forever.”

The Good Enough Mom Lets Her Children Fail!

2010-02-12T18:01:00.003-06:00

There are two overarching principals of effective parenting. The first is parents must love their child(ren) unconditionally! And the second principal is equally important, namely that effective parents allow their children to fail. It is this second principal that I touch on today. I knew a mother of an 18 year old man/child. This dear wonderful loving mother was so frustrated with herself and as I talked with her she revealed that she is angry that her son won't brush his teeth. She stated with great emotion and exasperation, "He gets made at me every day when I ask him, 'Have you brushed your teeth?' I don't know what to do, he just won't brush his teeth!"

Now, if you are like me, you laugh and wonder, how did this situation get so desperate but many of us run to rescue the child from some failure/hurt/rejection etc. So remember this, parents who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him or her, encourage the child to be irresponsible. Parents must learn to “mind their own business” and let the child learn from the logical consequences of her/his own behavior. Bon Voyage! and ¡Buen viaje! Enjoy the ride...it always gets better!!

Open Up! And Live!!

2010-02-09T16:29:00.003-06:00

I was raised in a very closed and narrow world. Religious straight jackets were handed out and you either conformed or were excommunicated! If you conformed you belonged...if you (horror of horrors!!) did not conform you were seen/labeled as a rebel and were told in no uncertain terms that 'rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft!' With that pronouncement, out you go into 'not belonging' and it is no wonder that so many of my child hood friends are still searching for a place to belong!

I have learned that people who are truly alive and well are NOT closed and narrow but open and flexible! Flexible people allow for the reality of doubt and uncertainty! Rigid people cannot live with with doubt and they seek to complete their picture of life quickly using as few pieces as possible. The pieces of their life fit in a very small and tight pattern and these few pieces are all they need. More pieces would confuse them and they cannot allow any confusion! If you talk to rigid people you might think they are truly certain about life but you later realize they are only certain about their 14 small pieces they call life!

Rigid people are like the suspicious detective who takes the first bits of evidence and makes it fit his preconceived idea and comes to an unshakable and 'definite' conclusion about the mystery of life! If there is any new evidence uncovered, they quickly bend it and mold it to fit into the shape of their premature conclusion. They live a static, fixed life with no dynamic living and in a world that is so small that they can handle it. Now they will not admit to this, but they are afraid to try any more...to attempt anything anymore...to be open to reality would freeze up their internal processor...the computer would crash!

But, to the one who allows life and accepts life...they have true serenity amidst the turmoil of doubt and questions. Maybe that is what Jesus intended when He said, "I give peace to you, MY peace I give to you, NOT as the world gives peace! Don't let your heart be trouble! Take MY peace!"

Vacation 2009

2009-12-22T10:27:00.001-06:00

Well, it takes me awhile but here is some pictures from our vacation to Silverton, CO.

Married (Happily) With Issues - NYTimes.com

2009-12-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

Married (Happily) With Issues - NYTimes.com

I was recently interviewed by our local CBS TV affliate about a website that purports having an affair can be maritally beneficial. You can have a 'fling' and it will be kept secret, while your marriage remains 'intact.' The website has been "marketed" on Oprah (I mean do you really think people go on Oprah's show for anything else??) and the website boasts of thousands of 'satisfied' customers.
The TV reporter ask me, "What is your opinion of the claims of this website?" I stated, "He is nuts! Did you notice that it is a man who came up with this idea...and why would anyone 'pay' $450.00 to join his website for an extra marital affair when they can 'pay' an escort service less money than that?" Of course we went on to discuss extra marital affairs more fully, why people have them, should they be confessed, do men have them more than women, and is the sex better in an affair than at home. Short answers to the questions you ask?
1. Affairs are 'had' for a myriad of reasons not the least of which he/she (the infidel, to use Frank Pittman's great word) can not be honest with themselves and with their spouse and this lack of 'self confrontation' leads to dishonesty and destruction.
2. Should they be confessed? I would have to confess because personal integrity is a core value of mine, but some people are more pragmatic and would choose not to.
3. Men have more affairs than women? I think the data probable supports this, but you would be suprised (maybe you wouldn't!) how many women are infidels as well.
4. Is the affair sex better than sex at home? I have never had a client tell me the sex was better. Good sex is much more than 'genital response cycles!' I remember asking my heart doctor at University of Alabama at Birmingham's Kirklin Clinic, "Doc, will I be able to play golf after this surgery?" And to my amazement he said, "Why sure...there will be no problem!" My surprised response? "Well Doc, that is wonderful news!" Little did he know that I have never played golf!
The CBS reporter asked, "What makes a perfect marriage?" I said, "There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. However, marriage is the mechanism by which imperfect people are made 'more perfect' ...that is if they can endure the perfecting struggle!"
So here I am, being worked on again...there is so much to work on!! Oh, but I love the result! 32 years of marital bliss? No way!! But there have been some incredibly blissful moments and there are more to come!! Onward and upward...I think I ought to take up golf?

Why Some Blacks Prefer 'Blind Side' to 'Precious' - ABC News

2009-12-07T07:45:00.000-06:00

"While everyone is fussing about 'Precious,' a movie like 'The Blind Side' is going to make a pile of dough and seems far more racially patronizing," said Phillips, the white co-host of the syndicated show "At the Movies." 'The Blind Side' is telling a really good story about one African-American character completely through the perspective of the white family.'

'That's absurd and patronizing in itself,' Armond White, chief film critic of The New York Press, said of Phillips' comments.
The reason for the discrepancy, said White, who is black, is simple.
'Some black people find 'Precious' offensive and they don't find 'The Blind Side' offensive,' he said. 'There's more humanity there. 'Precious' is like a horror show, a freak show. There's nothing but misery, debased behavior and degradation. One film is about Samaritan-ism, humanism, kindness, love and brotherhood, and the other is about degradation and ignorance."

The jaded spirit of some 'experts' must mean their hearts are empty of any joy. Go watch Blindside and see if you see color. I guess you can see color or you can see humanity...maybe that depends upon how 'jaded' you are.

Fear of the Dark!

2009-11-09T12:45:00.000-06:00

At dusk on November 9, 1965, the biggest power failure in U.S. history occurs! All of New York state, sections of seven surrounding states, and parts of eastern Canada are plunged into darkness...the lights went out. This blackout began at the height of rush hour with millions of commuters caught and some 800,000 people trapped in New York's subways! Thousands were stranded in office buildings, elevators, and trains. 15,000 police types (10,000 National Guardsmen and 5,000 off-duty policemen) were called into service to prevent looting.
I remember my Mom's fear and how this was in the news...even though in central Ohio, our lights never flickered!
A 230-kilovolt transmission line near Ontario, Canada, tripped at 5:16 p.m., which caused several other heavily loaded lines also to fail. The dominos fell and a cascading failure of additional lines which resulted in the eventual breakup of the entire Northeastern transmission network. Thirty-million people in eight U.S. states and the Canadian provinces of Ontario and Quebec were affected by the blackout. By morning, when the sun was coming up, power was restored to all. Wonder if there any others who remember the night the lights went out in the North East?

Twenty four years ago Dad had cancer!

2009-10-29T21:08:00.003-05:00

Melanoma 101: Symptoms, Signs, Diagnosis, Treatment, Types and Prevention on MedicineNet.com

Twenty-four years ago this week I went with my dad to the hospital to view the results of his liver scan. Anxiety, worries, and fears abounded as Faith, my mom, and I stood in front of doctor's viewer as he placed each scanned image, slice by slice on the white surface.

Four years earlier my dad had a mole removed from the back of his scalp. The doctor sliced it off and told mom that is was a carcinoma, malignant melanoma. And with that news, he sent dad home, and we, not knowing any better, resumed living with little or no worry. Our doctor did not seem worried and neither were we.

Fast forward to that day twenty-four years ago. We had just moved to Louisville, Kentucky, purchase our starter home, was in the process of adopting our first son, when mom said that dad was not feeling well. At age 63, he was planning to retire and he and mom were to spend the next few years camping. "The truck" had been purchased and a Coleman 'pop-up' camper was bought...they were planning to go in style. Mom, 10 years dad's junior, was going to work for a few more years and then they were going to enjoy 'retirement.'

We did not know that cancer was circulating through my dad's body and the untreated melanoma of four years earlier had come back. I will never forget anxiously looking down the scanned images, not really sure of what I was looking for, but saw 'gray', 'gray', 'gray', 'gray'...each of the slides were 'gray.' But on the fourth row, some twenty-eight or thirty images down, there was on that had a black dot, and the next had a larger black dot, and finally there were several with several black dots. We knew, dad had cancer in his liver. The next day we stayed for 'the bone scan.' The doctor came in and said, "His bones look like honey-comb...it is all over his bones."

The next seven weeks were filled with pain and pleasure...Nathan Wesley came home, dad slowly died. Christmas morning at 6:40 he died. Less than eight weeks after the 'diagnosis', once again, of malignant melanoma.

You need to know, this cancer can be 'cured' if it is caught and treated agressively and adequately! Lisa M. (a very dear friend) is living proof...some ten years after her 'mole' and surrounding skin was cut away in surgery. If you have a history (family or other wise) of skin 'issues' be sure you get checked yearly...let your doctor's look you over. Had dad's first doctor has treated him properly, he would have lived several more years...what might have been but never was.

Click the link associated with this blog and learn a bit more about the savage cancer that took dad's life...of course, the camper was not used, the truck was not driven, and retirement was not enjoyed and Christmas has never quite been the same.

Home Coming 2009

2009-10-23T21:35:00.001-05:00

HomeComing 2009. Andrew is now a junior, A/B honor roll, and was an escort in this year's HOMECOMING Celebration. Alabama Christian Academy rolled over Bullock County, 60 to 6 (in the 3rd qtr.). Football on Friday night is a tradition and a great way to spend some real time with the family and friend!

Caring, Giving Grace, and Loving: Alzheimer's Loved Ones

2009-10-20T15:01:00.001-05:00

Frank Broyles (football guru and former coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks) and his wife walked down the lonely Alzheimer's Road of love, sadness, sorrow, and joy. He wrote a playbook from his experience and says "feeling safe is the key to keeping her in a 'happy place' as much as possible." And "this "Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers" is a social model, not a medical model (doing things with her, not for her)."
My wife ministers to a large number of Alzheimer's patients and their families every week and has witnessed first hand the challenge, the joys, the sadness, the grief, and the love that can be experienced during this experience. If you know someone who faces this challenge of Alzhiemer's, order them a copy (or download your free PDF version) and give them a 'cold drink of water' on a very thirsty journey.

Do not ask me to remember.
Don't try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you're with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose you patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can't help the way I'm acting,
Can't be different 'though I try.

Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'till my life is done.
- Unknown

Vital Signs - Nutrition - Lower Depression Risk Linked to Mediterranean Diet - NYTimes.com

2009-10-11T18:00:00.000-05:00

Vital Signs - Nutrition - Lower Depression Risk Linked to Mediterranean Diet - NYTimes.com

Many therapists see numbers of people who are depressed and who 'feel' like they have no efficacy (no power to determine the direction of their moods etc.) and often have to swim up stream to see their life improve. Here is evidence that we with depression can make some small changes that can impact how we feel, think, and how our bodies work. Remember this is 'food' for you mind (brain food) as well as your heart. I may be powerless in what life throws my way but I am not helpless in how I respond...this small piece may help you solve your puzzle of depression. Fish, nuts, fruit (I eat a cup of frozen blueberries every day), and vegetables will reshape your mood.

The Emotional Connections of Family Therapy

2009-10-03T12:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Richard Schwartz presented an incredible model of therapy. His Internal Family Systems utilize the viewpoints of systemic family therapy to address the inner conflicts within our minds. It was interesting to hear his perspective that he has not always felt welcome at AAMFT because of his model’s emphasis on the ‘inner mind’ struggles and because there is intense emotion experienced with this type of therapy. He suggested that the early days anticipation of success has not been met and has caused some newer models to abandon true ‘systemic thinking’ such as narrative therapy and solution focus therapy, where neither one offers transformative change. The inner ‘deep’ work of IFS taps into the deeper emotions of fear and anger and allows one to truly change how they related to others. He further suggested there was much in common with Susan Johnson Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

Today Susan Johnson began with “there is an exquisite logic to our deepest emotions” and that family therapy has missed the boat by not addressing issues of love. She immediately challenged MFTs to expand their understanding of therapy to realize reducing conflict and lowering reactive is not ‘good enough’ therapy. Small emotional signals from our partner such as a lift of an eyebrow can turn a marriage into a tornado. Flexible joyful connection can bring deep fulfillment to our families. Are there basic mechanisms of change that cut across models of therapy…couples that move into to deeper emotions in therapy will move into deeper sense of personal fulfillment and more meaningful relationships. We need to know the core issues of love and bonding. As systems theorists we need to know the inner loop of the interplay of emotions and inner cognitions as well as the outer loop of how people related to each other in their interpersonal world. Set our sights higher as therapists…instead of just reducing conflicts and lower reactivity to creating nurturance and love. The founding fathers of our field had no understanding of love and nurturance.

Some take home thoughts: We are attaching peoples and there is much of the tissue in our brains is dedicated to detecting the emotional signals of those we are close to. We need a special connection with others…lovers regulate each other physiology. Connection with an attachment figure anesthetizes the shocks of the world. There is only effective or ineffective dependency. We do not grow out of dependency. If we are securely attached we will be more confident and resilient in the stresses of life.

Love relationships are defined by emotional responsiveness and the question or all questions, “Are you there for me?” If you have this sense of felt security all other problems can be managed safely. How you handle security and disconnection enables us to handle all other issues in life. Sue also challenged the present status of MFT by stating “we don’t need magic questions” (a gentle poke at Solution Focus Therapy?) but we much engage in the understanding of love. She also took Minuchin and Nichol’s to task by challenging their ‘we must understand the limits of relationships’ and stating as therapists we must help couples create ‘safe haven connections’ so they can explore the limitless possibilities of human relationships.

Families with Autism Spectrum Disorders…stuff that works...

2009-10-02T18:28:00.001-05:00

1 in 150 eight year old children in the U.S. has an Autism Spectrum Disorder and this spectrum has a wide range from high functioning to profoundly impaired. Of course for parents who have a child diagnosed with an ASD has the potential for: Added stress, greater social isolation, more marital discord, greater caregiving burdens, increase sense of meaning and purpose, greater family solidarity and unity, and opportunities for growth and skill development. If you look at this short list of potentialities you will see some are positive and some are negative.

It is exciting to see Marriage and Family Therapists doing research in the area. Julie Ramisch, Robert Hock, and Tina Timm, found that parents with an ASD child wanted to improve their relationship with their child (41%), wanted to improve their relationship with each other (32%), wanted to discuss individual concerns such as depression or anxiety (32%), wanted parenting advice (20%), and wanted parenting tools to use in the future (18%). Family therapist can offer assistance and coaching is all of these areas.

The take home message for MFT is even though research points to stressful family situations, good things can and do happen for families with a child with an ASD. The need for competent professionals who deal with the whole family is great and thorough assessment and effective intervention can help families adapt and succeed.

One family stated: “I suppose if it doesn’t – destroy is a pretty harsh word – but disabilities can really strain a marriage unlike anything’s else, I think a child’s disabilities, and you either become stronger, I think, in a relationship or it probably disintegrates. So if you survive all those things there is not a lot that can come between you in life that would really cause strain on a marriage.”

Difficult Kids and Difficult Parents…Promoting working together…

2009-10-02T13:40:00.003-05:00

I attended a six hour workshop with James Keim yesterday and the subject was Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Children. The basic presentation was taken from his chapter written several years ago but still the information was useful and meaningful to my work.

When working with ODD Children there are two main therapeutic GOALS: Help them become more age appropriate in their interactional style and help to disempower them in a healthy ways. A couple of caveats are worth noting here:

1. YOU CAN DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD: if you take a kid that is weak in authority and take away even more authority

2. YOU CAN DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD: if you take a kid that is powerful and give them more power.

With both of those caveats in mind and with the overall therapeutic GOALS I will discuss what is ODD and how it looks in within the family structure. The American Psychiatric Association defines ODD as

A. A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months, during which four (or more) of the following are present:
(1) often loses temper
(2) often argues with adults
(3) often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
(4) often deliberately annoys people
(5) often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
(6) is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
(7) is often angry and resentful
(8) is often spiteful or vindictive
AND only if the behavior occurs more frequently than is typically observed in individuals of comparable age and developmental level AND the disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning AND the behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder AND (almost done with this long definition) if child is not diagnosed with a Conduct Disorder, AND, if the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Reprinted in part from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition 1994 American Psychiatric Association).

Whee…now with that in mind we need to add three more components and it is in these THREE ADDITIONAL PIECES where the helpful information comes from:

1. ODD Children are process oriented, that is, during confrontation they are more focused on the process rather than on the outcome of the confrontation. Process orientation is different from outcome orientation…it is not more or less healthy but it is about what gets communicated in the process of the confrontation. There is a MISMATCH between the process oriented kids and the outcome oriented parents. Now as you think about a confrontation between an ODD CHILD and her parents ask yourself three questions:
a. Who determines the timing…that is who controls when the discussion/conflict/confrontation takes place?
b. Who determines the content and direction during the confrontation...that is who determines what is discussed and the direction the discussion goes during the confrontation.
c. Who determines the mood during the confrontation…ah, yes, who controls the emotional atmosphere in which the confrontation occurs.
You can see that ODD children, who are process oriented, determine the timing, content, direction and the mood of the confrontation and the parent is totally derailed, disempowered, disheveled, disheartened, discouraged, etc.
Let’s look a bit more at the differences between outcome orientation versus process orientation. I think this illustration will serve to distinguish one orientation from the other. If you were to visit the IRS and the goal of your visit is to be sure you owe no more money then during that visit you were outcome oriented. However, if your goal in visiting the IRS was to push the emotional buttons of the IRS agent and to tell him how mean and unfair he is, then your visit would be characterized as being process oriented.

2. ODD children have a strong win/lose perspective…or they have a win/lose orientation…the ODD kid is expecting to win. The ODD kid approaches confrontational situations with a win/lose perspective! It is not about determining the outcome of the confrontation but about determining the PROCESS of the confrontation. ODD children have the MYTH of WINNING that drives most of their confrontational energy…it is the MYTH they are they are winning if they control the process! The “common sense” of the ODD teenager is that because I have pushed your buttons, you emotionally reacted, I have gotten my way and therefore I have won! The ODD kids have bought into the notion there must be a winner and a loser…when you apply this to emotional relationships, of course, it does not work.

It is very important for adults to recognize the fact that they may have this same perspective when they have conflicts between themselves! The ‘common sense’ notion that adults often have is seen in “IF you just had enough insight/if you just understood my point of view then we would be OK (or at least I would be OK) I would win!”

3. ODD children have a HIGH Hierarchy…that is they argue like emotionally immature adults...they believe and act like they are in charge! In fact when you witness a live confrontation between ODD teenagers and their parents it is very difficult to determine who the ADULTS are and who are the CHILDREN!

When ODD children get better (whether with family therapy or by themselves) then both the child and the parents begin to act more age appropriate in their interactional style…it feels more age appropriate!

Some things to remember:
ODD kids have a basic distrust of the adult system…they are unsure of the motivations of adults and there are a lot of different ways young people can come to that basic distrust.

The best special education teachers have lots of facial expression, lots of warmth, and there is no question of about their benevolent intent.

OPPOSITIONAL BEHAVIOR occurs within interactions with authority figures, therefore individual therapy is not beneficial for ODD kids. ODD happens between people…these ODD interactions don't happen in the imagination of the kid.

Many time it is MORE EFFECTIVE to coach adults rather than coaching the kids.
KIDS view yelling different than ADULTS do…ADULTS see yelling as raising the voice while KIDS view yelling as saying anything critical of them…

ODD BEHAVIOR is statistically associated with ADD/ADHD, with problems of SELF SOOTHING at an early age, and COLIC at an early age.

What You Are In Secret...

2009-09-09T14:49:00.003-05:00

Another congressman has sex with a subordinate...another governor has a clandistine affair...another... http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9AK03601&show_article=1

What you are in secret is who you really are. What you are when no one else is looking is who you truly are. Embedded within my heart is the deep desire to be a person of integrity and authenticity...I know there is phoniness in all of us but the drive to be whole, fully integrated and a person of true character is within us all. Congruence refers to our ability to be completely genuine, real, and authentic.... whatever the situation of the moment. You and I are not expected to be a completely congruent person all the time, as such perfection is impossible. However, as we move toward that, we become more functional, experience greater freedom, and possess greater levels of psychological health.

No Longer On Tiptoe!!

2009-09-09T07:36:00.002-05:00

I always have felt that I should give 'just a little bit more' and stand 'just a little bit taller' and stretch 'just a little farther'! The idea of standing on tip toe suggests that the goodies, the cookies if you please, were on the top shelf and only the tall (read 'the special ones') ones could reach them easily. The rest of us had to stretch and reach and try a bit harder. I am not sure where I got the philosophy that life was about 'trying harder and doing more' but I am so relieved and rejoice to discover that I could relax, rest easy, and accept life as it is, not as I wanted it. Grace taught me (and I am learning more each day!) that God accepts me as I am, completely, irrevocably, and that I am completely loved by Him. No need to stand on tip toes around Him...just be myself and let Him love me! Wow, what a life!

Worries, Anxieties, and Fears...

2009-08-27T08:13:00.003-05:00

There are few people who have found the tranquility of soul and peace of mind that God intended us to experience each and every day! Part of our struggle is we fail to believe that we are unconditionally loved and acceptable just as we are! We don't experience the wonderful freedom from fears and phobias as God's children. There is much written and said about GRACE but most deny the practice of GRACE (both internally and externally). Living by GRACE will lead us out of our FEARS and into the tranquil experience of LOVE, JOY, and CONTENTMENT. In love there is no room for fear. Why? Because fear implies punishment and badness and no one who is motivated and hindered by fear is experiencing the freedom of love.
I have often professed my faith in GOD'S unconditional love for me while still living in and being guided by fear. The "if" questions that have driven my mind and my life are many; "if I don't make the mortage", "if she gets sick", "if he dies", "if I lose my joy", "if my 401-k continues to tank", "if an earthquake occurs", "if a hurricane hits", "what am I going to do if...", "what if someone breaks into my house", "what if........"
Brennan Manning simply says, "once these questions guide our lives, we take out a second mortgage in the house of fear..."
Many seek safety from fear in many places but not their heart...only as you find your heart can you experience the unconditional love intended just for you! Safety is not found in 'success', companions, alcohol, money, work, fame, nor celebrity status!
I have found a safe place within my heart...a tranquil place where there is peace, serenity, and joy. And my heart can experience the love and acceptance that brings the serenity meant just for me...

Worries, Anxieties, and Fears...

2009-08-14T12:33:00.002-05:00

Paul's story is familiar to many. "I have the constant fear and worry that my life is being ruined because I don't know what it is like to have normal, secure relationships with people nor can I just relax and have fun and enjoy. I can't really imagine what it would be like to live and not have anxiety all the time. I avoid all sorts of situations. I often worry about things that aren't all that important and I shouldn't be thinking about them at all. It was just last week that I could not go out with friends because I have this paralyzing fear that I would be hit by a car or something even worse! I worry about people dying, my pet dying, friends leaving me because I am crazy!! Basically, I worry about everything. I have lots of trouble falling asleep most nights because my brain won't shut off. Oh, how I wish I could control what I was thinking so I could live a normal life..."
Notice what Paul has 'struggles' with:
1. Attempted to control or stop worrying...
2. Can't stop worrying even if it does not seem to solve anything...
3. All keyed up...
4. Easily fatigued...
5. Difficulty concentrating...
6. Irritable...
7. Problems sleeping...

Let me offer a radically new way of looking at this problem of anxiety. Thoughts and feelings of fear, panic, anxiety are intense, unpleasant, overwhelming, and often terrifying. But the thoughts and feelings are not the problem! I repeat, the thoughts and feelings of terror, panic, fear, and anxiety are NOT the problem. The problem is the rigid, toxic, avoidance of fear and anxiety. The majority of research today shows that excessive avoidance is the most important toxic element for morphing worries, anxieties, and fears into truly debilitating disorders.
Toxic avoidance of fear looks different depending upon the person or situation. Some avoid people, places, activities, or situations that "make them uncomfortable" and might lead to anxious feelings. Others use substances (three or four glasses of wine will "work", as will Lortabs, etc...) to minimize the effect and 'turn off the brain.'
Einstein (as in Albert) is reported to have said, "problems cannot be solved by thinking within the framework in which they were created..." With this notion let me offer a radical new way to look at the problems of worries, anxieties, and fears. It begins with acceptance. Yes, acceptance...accepting the 'fact' that life is full of situations that lead to fear and worry. Accepting the fact that I am able to face my fear and not allow it to define who I am and how I live! In fact, let me ask a question that all my patients hear: "Is it possible for someone who has SOCIAL PHOBIA to be a successful public speaker?" Of course you know the answer and it is YES! What is the answer? It begins with the attitude of acceptance.
The Serenity Prayer states: "accepting hardship as a pathway to peace and taking this world, as it is, not as I would have it..." That is the beginning of the pathway to serenity.

Telling the Children You Are Getting Divorced

2009-08-11T22:20:00.002-05:00

Telling the children that you are going to get divorced can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome, but it is something that must be done in order for the children to begin to accept this dramatic change in their life. Research shows that children reared in an environment where there is tension and reactive emotion will be struggle maybe even more than a child reared in a emotionally calm divorced home. Children, who see and witness their parents constantly abusing each other, suffer.
Children are resilient and they can thrive in a divorced home. A proper parental environment that offers a safe and reasonably anxiety free ‘growing space’ allow children to blossom. One of the first ways that a parent can help a child is by telling him or her about the divorce. Remember, children of all ages will be affected by their parent's divorce. Following are some tips on telling the children.

Telling the Children

• No matter what the age, it is important that the parents tell the children what is going on.

• If one parent has played the main parenting role, then it is more logical for that parent to break the news to the child, lessening the disturbance.

• It is very important that no blame be assigned to either parent for the separation, because this may indirectly give the child a reason to choose sides. It is unhealthy for the child to feel that there is a good and bad parent.

• As a parent you must explain to the children that they are not to blame for the divorce. Initially almost all children feel that they are responsible. The parent must explain that the divorce is between the parents and not the children and parents. If this is explained correctly, the children will also realize that if they are not responsible for the divorce, then they cannot be responsible for their parents reconciling.

• Don't, I repeat don’t tell the children that you are divorcing unless you and your spouse are absolutely certain that the decision is final.

• It is important that you tell the children about the divorce when you can be together for a long period of time. A non-school day would probably be the most preferred time, because they are going to feel very alone and they will need someone there to feel a sense of safety and security.

• After you have told them the news, you may, without going into great detail, want to give them some idea what they should expect in the future. A child may want to know about school and future living arrangements.

• If they ask "why?" this usually means why is this happening to me. It does not mean why you are getting a divorce. The children initially really don't need to know why, so eliminate details.

• Be sure to ask them if they have any questions. They may have questions, but will be reluctant to respond at that time. Remember, it is important to field questions again and again.

Anxiety...deal with it!!

2009-08-10T08:53:00.003-05:00

The chronically anxious person is impatient. Escapist thinking looks for quick and easy answers to life's greatest challenges. The quick-fix mentality flees from a challenge and is overly simplistic in viewing life while at the same time focuses outwardly (not inwardly). Avoidance is a strategy chronically anxious people utilize...if I hide or if I avoid or if I act like it ain't there, then it will go away. The chronically anxious person has a very low threshold for pain. In fact the amount of chronic anxiety is inversely related to the person's capacity for enduring pain. What makes chronically anxious people is not the pain but how they deal with the pain. The root word for anxiety means pain (angina, anger, anguish, angst) and pain, in this life, is inevitable, however, misery is optional!!

Talking about Alabama woman, 81, faces trial in urination case

2009-08-02T17:57:00.002-05:00

August 02
Well I wonder how long it will take before National News picks up this story. We have the story of a police officer arresting a noted Harvard professor and the ensuing paranoia over racial insensitivity and a president who stated the police acted 'stupidly.' I wonder what President Obama would say about Mobile, Alabama police arresting a 81 year old female for urinating behind a clump of trees? She will be 82 when she stands for trial!! I guess if the police officer in Cambridge acted stupidly then the officers in Mobile acted in a similar fashion. The charge you ask? Public lewdness...oh yeah?

Doing Versus Being...is it built into the Fallen DNA??

2009-08-02T15:34:00.004-05:00

I held him tight and said with emotions choking my voice, "You are my son" and in a muffled reply, I heard, "I am trying Dad, I am trying..."

Amazing to witness...do you get the picture? Here is Dad, heart open, mind open, spirit open, arms open...and he is holding close his son. Here is Son, who believes one more time, "If I try harder and do more then I am worthy of love...and I may be called his son."

I spoke recently to a inter/non denominational church up at Lake Martin and began by stating that 'today, I am going to talk about our two biggest challenges in this life.' I know that sounds a bit grandious, but hear me out...I did not talk about economics nor recessions nor heaven nor hell. I did state that 'the deep supreme desire of every human heart is to be loved without condition' (struggle number one) and 'every human heart struggles in allowing themselves to be loved unconditionally.'

Those were the two challenges I spoke of on that day. Those are the two challenges I face every day. In a world that believes in Karma (you know, what goes around comes around...I realize Karma is a bit more sophisticated than that but here in south Alabama that about covers it) and in a world that values 'what have you done for me lately' and in a world that really does believe you deserve to reap what you sow...love is hard to come by and yet without that love the human heart develops a tear...a hole.

Humans are driven by performance, competition, comparison. But it is the holes in the human heart that are the problem! Healing those holes only can be accomplished with love, lots of love, unconditional love, ah yes, love, so hug yourself tightly, allow yourself to be loved, and know that you are already alright!

The Legacy of Divorce Continues to Grow....

2009-07-28T10:35:00.001-05:00

There was a time when the number disrupter of families was death but in the early 1960s that began to change. Social structures changed and we began moving towards a culture of divorce. In 2000 Judith Wallerstein (http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248794199&sr=8-1) published the 25 year 'landmark' study called "the unexpected legacy of divorce" in which she and her fellow researchers discovered that the divorced family is not a truncated version of the two-parent family but it is a different kind of family. In this different family the children she followed for 25 years (all types of divorce were represented in her sample) felt less protected and more anxious about their future than children raised in reasonably good intact families. Mothers and fathers who share their beds with different people are not not the same as mothers and fathers living under the same roof. She 'discovered' the divorced family has an entirely new cast of characters and relationships that features steps (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters), seconds (marriages and divorces), and often a series of live-ins.

Now the 'new' study just released this week posits divorce can make you sick. Researchers analyzed data from nearly 9,000 adults nationwide, ages 51 to 61, and found those who had been divorced or widowed suffered 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, than individuals who were currently married. Divorce can be so traumatic that not even tying the knot again is enough to reverse the physical and mental toll.

Of course if one is in a 'toxic' relationship where there is physical and/or mental abuse then the health benefits of divorce may outweigh the risks of staying in the relationship.

I see couples everyday who are in "bad" marriages and as a psychologist and family therapist who is pro marriage, I coach them in finding ways to make it better. Many times a couple will commit to working on themselves and the relationship for the 'sake of the kids' and that motivation can see them through tough days. Now we have a new motivation, 'stick together for the sake of health."

Learning to Be Intimate...

2009-07-27T21:34:00.005-05:00

True intimacy is not a natural nor an easy place to 'get to' and yet that is what our hearts crave. We desire to 'expose our true selves' to someone and to be 'known' by someone.

What we often think will work between couples to 'reach' true intimacy does not work. Consider the couple who bases their relationship upon the following: “I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself and if you don't, I won't either. But I really want to, so you have to. Now I will go first and then you will be obligated to open up to me. It is only fair. If I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!”

I often refer to this type of 'negotiation' as the “Miss Piggy Syndrome.” There is little doubt as to what is happening here. Couples with trust issues, communication issues, and many other struggles are locked into this type of intimacy.

Maturity and honesty bring to the surface another and deeper experience of intimacy...one the human heart craves and it takes the rawest kind of courage and the more rigorously honest heart. Listen to this heart as it takes a stand and cries out, “I don't expect you to agree with me because I know you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and make me feel good about me. But I want you to love me and I know you can't really do that f you don't know me. I don't want your rejection but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. And one day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to look back and know you knew me.”

Ah, yes, true intimacy...does he know you? Does she know you? Take courage, step up, let yourself be known!

Disturbing the Sounds of Silence

2009-06-30T07:54:00.001-05:00

The number one complaint I hear in the therapy room is, "we have communication issues!" It often sounds like, "He just doesn't talk!" or "she just doesn't understand me" or "we fight about everything!" Whatever 'communication issues' look like they are real and they are real for a purpose.

The only way two people can have a relationship is through communication and the only way two people can have a deep abiding relationship is to have a deep level of communication. A relationship will only be as good as its communication. When you and I can honestly tell each other who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, love, honor, hate, fear, desire, wish for, believe in, hope for, have passion for and are committed to, then and only then can either of us grow. Without a relationship I am nothing and I can never know who I am without a relationship…it is the only way I can ever find God and His grace in this life.

I must have freedom and cultivate the ability to tell you my thoughts, to tell you my judgments, to tell you my fears, to tell you my vulnerabilities. Many years ago, she said to me, "I don't know anything about you that everyone else does not already know!" I thought, "What on earth do you mean?" I did not have a clue as to what she meant…but I ask for more information and she offered, "Well, what are your vulnerabilities?" "Vulnerabilities? What are you talking about?"

Of course, I was wondering, 'do I have any?' I mean, real men are those who don't allow others to see them sweat…and I was so good at not allowing others to see me sweat that I had forgotten that at times I did sweat!! Several days went by and then one night our son, who was two at the time, was "exercising" and I stepped out to show him the 'right' way to exercise. As I squatted down to begin the rhythmic movements he and she both giggled at my awkwardness. A flash of pure fire exploded from within my gut and I whirled to her and said in slow even tones, "That is one! that is one! I hate it when people laugh at me." I immediately sat down and the little fella climbed up between us and stroked my arm. Ah, yes, one of my 'vulnerable' moments that I was made was aware of and furthermore, was able to share!

Only as I expose to you my fears and my shames, to tell you of my failures and my triumphs, can I be really sure what it is that I am and what I can become! Only as I know myself can I let myself be known. I must be able to tell you who I am before I can fully know who I am. Relationships are as healthy as the bloodlines of open and honest communication. Open up you may just discover yourself!

Improving Emotionally Committed Relationships

2009-06-28T07:37:00.001-05:00

Turbulence in emotionally committed relationships is the norm rather than the exception. In the face of such "upsetness" most of us struggle with feelings of apathy, rejection, frustration, etc. A major key to navigating such inner turmoil is to reflect and focus on the self rather than on your partner or the relationship.

As an example, whenever I got upset and I focused on my partner and I blamed her for my feelings ("You make me so mad when you do ____________.") and when she would accept the blame for my feelings (that is, when she would feel responsible for them somehow) I thought I had it made! (Curious question here, how many "I"s are in the previous sentence?) Now you realize and know our relationship suffered over my selfishness and we were emotionally stuck. We were in the proverbial gridlock and stalemate of life!

Years ago some wise person told me, "She does not make you mad!" I remember thinking that was about the dumbest thing anyone had ever told me, I mean he did not know her, I did! I mean, he would be mad too if he ___________!

The problem was, I only thought I knew her and of course I did not know myself at all! Hello wake up! What a revelation it was for me to recognize that I was responsible for my behaviors and my thoughts and most importantly my feelings and attitudes! No longer did she have to bear the brunt of my ego centric selfishness. It was quite plain, I had feelings and they were mine! What do you do with these feelings? Do you deny them or 'stuff them' or act like they are not there…no. You must discover yourself by knowing your emotions and attitudes and only then are you worthy to 'know' your partner!

Here is a critical key to long-term emotionally committed relationships succeeding…learn to self-sooth. Self-soothing is developing the ability to tolerate discomfort in the relationship for the good of the relationship, personal growth, and the nurturing your partner. This 'art' is like driving a car. You can read books about 'car driving', you can watch movies about 'car driving' but you can only learn to drive a car by, yep you guessed it, driving a car. In much the same way, self-soothing can only be developed through testing, which means you will have to be in a stressful situation to practice soothing. This being said, you will feel raised and maybe new anxiety while attempting to develop this new approach but over time you will be able to more readily lower your reactivity in stressful situations so that your relationship can mature. Here are a few pointers and suggestions to remember today (while you are calm) so you can recall them when the 'storms' hit.

Don't take your partner's behavior personally (even if they did 'mean it personally' why take it that way?)

If you cannot regulate your emotions, control your behavior (you can always control you actions!)

Stop the negative mental tapes that "awfulize" the situation ("this is awful, it will never end!!")

Soothing may require a temporary break with your partner in order to calm down and think clearly (a little distance, such as sleeping on the couch, or going for walk, clears the mind!)

Remember the purpose of self-soothing is to increase intimacy in your relationship not to help you feel "right" while your partner is "wrong" (nuff said!)

This is a time to "replenish" yourself not to punish your partner (don't make your crap about your partner!)

This is also a time to seek clarity and to challenge yourself by asking "What is it about me that responds to you in this manner?"

A Society In Regression

2009-05-18T10:24:00.002-05:00

Picture a woman turning a corner and clipping the edge of a stopped car and then proceeding on the down the street. Several people were watching the event and were surprised at her driving off. The hit car belongs to a teenager who jumps out and runs after the hit-and-run driver and catches up at a red light. He reaches in and takes her keys and says "we need to call the police." She screams out, "You hit my car, you hit my car!" He realizes just how nutty she is, gives the keys back and begins to drive off. She jumps out in front of him waving wildly to stop him and he swerves to miss her and continues down the street while noticing in the rear view mirror that she is sitting in the middle of the street beating her chest! Two or three months go by and one day the police arraign the teenager for 'hitting the jaw of the woman' when he reached in to take her keys. At the trial the judge opines he has never seen so many witnesses come forward to testify for the defendant and he reprimands the woman and all "the monkey business" she created.

How did this situation get this far? This woman had persistently gone to the court and whined week after week and the person who decided if a charge should levied finally gave in (against her better judgment I may add) and let this farce of a charge go to trial…just to be rid of her. This decision cost the teenager time off work, money on court costs, and emotional exasperation of the fallible system.

Societal regression is an emotional process that societies go through when at least five characteristics are seen at all levels of the society (freely adapted from Edwin Friedman's writings):

Emotional Reactivity: the vicious cycle of intense reactions of people to events and to each other
The Herd Mentality: the process through which the energy for togetherness (read, sameness) overcomes the energy for individuality…and everyone moves to adapt to the least mature people.
The Blame Game: the emotional state in which family members focus on forces that victimized them rather than taking responsibility for their own being and destiny
Quick-fix mentality: the emotional state that has no or little tolerance for pain and constantly seeks relief than fundamental change
Lack of Clearly Defined Leadership: Is a failure of leadership seen when the leader is instinctual driven rather than regulating her emotions, adapts to group weakness, fearful to take any convictional stand, and is constantly putting out fires…this type of "leadership" is both a product of and contributes to 1 – 4.

Societal regression is profoundly more than just going backward! This regression is a likened to "devolution" and an increasing in immaturity rather than increased maturity in people who are learning to emotionally self regulate. We can have great 'progress' with technology and even with economics and at the same time 'go backward' emotionally.

Fundamental change can only occur when individuals pay attention to themselves and their reactions to what goes on around them (the emotional processes that govern our lives), so today I am placing behind me the folly of trying to will others to change and will continue to increase my tolerance for discomfort and focus on the moment!

Grace Understood in “Saving Private Ryan”

2009-04-08T16:51:00.001-05:00

This post came from The Mockingbird Blogspot. I have included in its entirety…it is hard to improve upon this (http://mockingbirdnyc.blogspot.com/2009/04/matm-saving-private-ryan.html). I include a brief point at the end…enjoy and learn a bit more about GRACE…that ever elusive and indefinable TRUTH -- it often escapes us personally and conceptually but I still love to know more!!!

James Ryan walks through the American Cemetery in Normandy, an old man. He stops at a headstone, and falls to his knees, tears in his eyes. The headstone reads: John Miller. As Ryan's wife comes to his side, he says through his tears, "Have I been a good man? Tell me I've lived a good life." Moved, his wife assures Ryan that he has. Yet the tears don't abate. James Ryan can't be sure if he's been good enough.
In Saving Private Ryan, Steven Spielberg marshals a wonderful ensemble cast to tell a wonderfully scripted, beautifully shot, movingly acted, and soul-crushingly judgmental story. John Miller is tasked with taking a squad of 8 men to find just one. Private James Ryan is the fourth son of a woman who has lost the other three in World War II. It has been decided that she will not lose a fourth. Miller's squad eventually loses every man in the effort to save Private Ryan.
Miller meets his own end defending a bridge by Ryan's side. With his last breath, he looks at Private Ryan and whispers, "Earn this." With these words, he dies. We flash sixty years into the future, and the octogenarian Ryan has clearly lived his entire life with this great weight on his shoulders. Has he indeed earned the salvation that Miller's squad gave their lives for? Miller himself, earlier in the film, muses, "He better be worth it. He'd better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb." Has he discovered a cure for malaria? Has he invented cold fusion? That awesome upside-down ketchup bottle? As viewers, we aren't given to know. What we do know, however, is that he's worried. Why else does he beseech his wife to comfort him? We see that he has a beautiful family. His wife tells him he has been a good man. Clearly, leading a good life has not freed him from the judgment of Miller's words.

Christians too often hear these words, "Earn this," coming from Jesus' lips as he dies on the cross. We hear sermons to this effect: "Is the life you're living worth the death he died?" We live our lives trying to earn it, to become someone for whom such a sacrifice isn't so radically inappropriate. We turn into old James Ryans, worried that it hasn't been quite enough. The most shocking revelation of the film is that Ryan's wife has no idea who John Miller is! Miller's judgment has been so heavy that Ryan has not been able to share his name or story with his beloved for his whole life!
But Jesus doesn't say, "Earn this" from the cross. He says, "It is finished." Even more radically, he says, "I tell the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." The message of the Gospel is diametrically opposed to John Miller's "Earn this." Miller applies the law to Ryan's future in a way that Ryan can never escape. No matter how profound an altruist Ryan may become, the profundity of Miller's sacrifice will never allow Ryan to feel satisfied, or safe from Miller's judgment-from-beyond-the-grave. One word of law destroys the grace Miller shows in sacrificing his life for Ryan. But it is not so with Christ.

No word of law escapes Christ's lips from the cross. Incredibly, the word of law is applied to Christ ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). We are freed, and safe. We don't feel compelled to hide what Jesus has done for us, as Ryan hid what Miller did for him, because Jesus expects nothing of us. Our Savior doesn't say, "Earn this." He says, "It is finished…you will be with me in paradise."

MY input is: I remember what Scott Hoezee tells about CS Lewis (in THE RIDDLE OF GRACE)...Scott writes that during a British conference on comparative religions, experts were debating what was unique about the CHRISTIAN faith. Was it the INCARNATION? Was it the RESURRECTION? On and on the discussion rambled when LEWIS walked into the room and asked "What is this rumpus about?" When he heard the debated issue he replied, "Oh, that's easy. It's GRACE!" And after further discussion all of the attendees were in accord with LEWIS, it is GRACE. The Unconditional LOVE OF GOD 'shed abroad in our hearts', the no strings attached GOODNESS of GOD pour out into our world 'free of charge!' That is the unique message of CHRIST! Not KARMA (you know, 'what goes around comes around'), not some BUDDHIST multiple pathway to NIRVANA, not the ISLAMIC CODE OF LAW, not the JEWISH CODE OF BEHAVIORS...NO, NO, NO!! There is NO need to EARN HIS APPROVAL...HE gives it to me! And I am deeply loved by God, completely accepted by God, fully pleasing to God, and possess eternal value because Christ gave His life to me and for me! I stand approved! My picture is on God's fridge door!!

What Do You Say To Someone Overcome with Shame!!!

2009-03-21T20:34:00.003-05:00

Guilt is a God given emotional experience that is causes a person to change their behavior, often ask for grace and forgiveness, and lasts for about 10 minutes or so.......
However, many people suffer from shame...shame is a posture of life...shame says there is something fundamentally missing in my life...shame becomes my identity.
Shame is the core of most people who were reared in strict religious homes, were abused by trusted caregivers, or who have experienced some trauma in their life. Shame is not from God and causes one to be ashamed of who they are as a person and GRACE is the only hope for the shame based person. I know...I know...
For all who suffer shame and know God's Grace...let me say! You have great worth apart from your performance!! You know why? Because Christ gave HIS LIFE for you and thereby imparted ETERNAL VALUE to you...you are deeply loved by GOD, fully pleasing TO GOD, completely accepted by GOD, and totally forgiven by GOD.......now don't let anything in this life cloud your mind and erode this ETERNAL TRUTH!
Be free from your shame...

David Wilkerson is NO PROPHET!

2009-03-09T08:57:00.002-05:00

There are NO prophets today!!

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=91097

Screwed up eschatology and emotion laden theology drives a fear based message! I mean what is the difference between Edgar Cayce/ Jean Dixon/Nostradamus and David Wilkerson?

Fear freezes the human soul in the past and constrains the human heart from enjoying the fullness of life! The crackpot Wilkerson (http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/) does not speak for God, never has, still does not and never will! God does not 'speak' that way today (Hebrews 1:1-2)! That is settled once for all!!

Fear is simply False Evidence Appearing Real and messages of fear appear real until they are critically examined for rational evidence and here with Wilkerson's message, none is found! Bereft of any rational basis, I soundly dismiss this 'message of doom and gloom!' An American Specific judgment is myopic and arrogant! I mean, think with me here, we are only 5% (really on 4.2%) of the world's population and yet we are to receive the majority of God's blessings and thereby the majority of God's judgment? You have got to be kidding?? Jesus Christ is my judgment and I am in NO fear of God's judgment (1 John 2:1-3).

It angers me that many people whom I love will tremble when hearing Wilkerson's words. Their faith and childhood psyche harkens back to gloom and doom and impending catastrophe! There is no hope, no grace, no goodness, and no love in that message. The fragile spirit of many will be crushed by such a message…that is not the message of the New Covenant (by the bye, Wilkerson and his ilk, seem to revel in citing Old Covenant passages that are specially written to someone other than today's Christ follower!!)! Begone you hobgoblin of fear! Brennan Manning once said this about the Specter of Fear, "A pox on you and your children!!"

No fear can live here!! Not in my heart! A heart of "love drives out fear!" (1 John 4:18).

I slept well last night and now I finish my morning brew of Brazil roast. Enjoy today, tomorrow, don't allow your tomorrows be limited by your fears!

Broken Becky?

2009-02-28T13:16:00.003-06:00

Becky comes in broken in spirit, battered physically, and bruised in her soul. She has gone through hell at the hands of those who are to love her…she is a toy for her dad to play with…she lives through stuff that even horror movies will not touch. Maya Angelou wrote Still I Rise about the survival and the thriving of the downtrodden, battered, cheated, raped, pillaged, African-American race and it applies to Becky as well. Enjoy…
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Communication Breakdown…drives us insane…

2009-02-24T11:03:00.001-06:00

How we process information determines the quality of our intimate relationships. There are three principles that govern this idea: 1. One cannot not behave. 2. One cannot not communicate. 3. The MEANING of a given behavior is not the TRUE meaning of the behavior; HOWEVER it is the TRUE MEANING for the person who has given it a particular meaning.

Principal one says we can never do nothing because even the so called doing nothing is doing something. Try to do nothing, try not to behave and if I am watching you I will say "you are doing something" because of what I am seeing at this moment…now hang on a moment.

Principal two follows naturally and I am communicating all the time. How many times have you said, "We just don't communicate"? All that this means is the communication at the verbal level is not very satisfying…but non verbal communication IS taking place and MEANING is given to the behavior even if the behavior is silence.

Now to the big one, Principal Three, which states that a particular behavior may be given multiple interpretations and that one interpretation is NO more correct (nor incorrect) than any other. Personal reality is subjective and how I create my reality will be formed from my assumptions and my particular frame of reference. However, it is only my perception…and that may or may not match your perception and for each of us that perception is equally 'true' and equally valid.

In addition to these three principals we need to understand that communication occurs in three modes; verbal, non-verbal and the context. The verbal is simply the words I use. The non verbal is my voice inflection, tone, facial expressions etc. The context is when I said what I said, why you think I said what I said, and where I said what I said.

When we mention communication breakdowns we usually are referring to the context and the meaning we give a particular piece of communication.

Want Your Heart To Be Uplifted!?!?

2009-02-07T21:44:00.006-06:00

One tried and true strategy to offset the "blues" is to understand that you really don't have a problem...I mean relatively speaking! When you see what someone else is facing and realize that they have survived (and may even be enjoying life!) then you can "find strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!" Here is one such person and I don't think for a moment that DAD or MOM would trade what happened here for the sorrow they experienced 17 years ago!

Take about 5 minutes and watch Patrick Thibodeau. Patrick, a young man from Maine with Down’s Syndrome, has been a manager for four years at his high school. He plays in practice with the team, but has NEVER played in an actual game. But on his Senior Night, he was allowed to start and as the video showcases, got to make some memories for the rest of his life. Wipe your eyes, call your friends, enjoy GOD'S GRACE and remember you have never had it so good!! Yeah, life is good!!

You Can't Always Trust Your Brain...

2009-01-12T16:05:00.002-06:00

I am sure you have seen figures like the one below and gotten stuck...really stuck...so stuck that you think the problem is impossible to solve. That there is no answer...but there is!

The Nine Dot Puzzle

. . .

Start from any point and draw four continuous lines (without lifting the pen) so that each of the nine dots has at least one line running through it. You must think "outside of the box" to solve this.

Or how about this one: If a bat and a ball together cost $1.10 and the bat costs a dollar more than the ball how much does the ball cost?

Psychology tells us that our minds have two systems for solving problems and making decisions. One is the intuitive mind and the other is the reasoning mind. The intuitive mind acts 'with out thinking'...it just 'knows' but does not always know 'how it knows.' The intuitive mind is like having a blazing fast processor but it is does not 'learn new stuff' very well. On the other hand, the reasoning system uses careful calculations that is not influenced by emotions and is slower in the processing speed than the intuitive mind. Both systems have their place but both systems have their limitations. It is critical to determine which decisions should be made by intuition and those that require careful calculations.

Most couples I see in the therapy are emotionally stuck precisely because they can not see any answer to their situation. They tell me, "I have done all I can do" and "I have changed all I can change" and "He just won't communicate and I have tried all the tricks!" You can hear the frustration in their voice and see the turmoil on their face and feel the exasperation of their state of affairs.

Correct thinking is the beginning of solving our problems. However we almost never approach a problem systematically and exhaustively unless we have been specifically educated to do so (Miller G.A., Gallanter E. and Pibram K.H., 1960). This is especially true in navigating and negotiating our emotionally committed relationships (lovers, husband/wife, parent/child). Listen to the wife who told me last week, 'I just feel awful' and throughout the first 40 minutes of our session I counted about 37 'I feel awful's' and believe me, I was not feeling all that good by then myself. What is the answer? THINKING and thinking clearly and correctly.

Your first answer may be incorrect. The second answer may not be correct either...but that does not mean there is no answer. Think and then think about your thinking. This will slow your reaction down and keep you from doing something really dumb and may even give you a better chance of strengthening your close relationships.

Back to our problem solving brain: if you said the bat cost $1.00 that would make the ball cost 10 cents and the bat would only cost .90 more...therefore your first answer (intuitive brain system) was wrong!! But there is a correct answer. Also, try to solve the NINE DOT PUZZLE with out using GOOGLE!

Use the rush of emotion to trigger your brain to signal to your heart....slow down and THINK.

Why your brain can't always make good decisions - CNN.com

Now I Know Why!!

2009-01-08T09:16:00.001-06:00

Well, I have wondered why I often say "We will be along in a minute" and "sure, we will pick it up for you on the way home" when there is only one body, namely mine, in the automobile. Now I know why! Dutch researchers are claiming there is a higher incidence of schizophrenia in non right-handed people! Here is what they say.

Language lateralization is decreased in left- and mixed-handed individuals...which means language can occur in both sides of the brain...not just a boring one side of the brain!! They survey 86 scientific articles and the meta analysis revealed that non-right-handers had significantly higher schizotypy scores than right-handers and this significance remained after removing an outlier of more than two standard deviations.

The research team writes in the journal Schizophrenia Research: “In conclusion, non-right-handed subjects had higher schizotypy levels than right-handed subjects, while there was no difference between strong right- and strong left-handed subjects."

Wow, now I am left handed and we will continue to write...there I go again with the 'we' thing. By the way, one of my favorite patients, from time to time, wears a sweat shirt that states, "If All The Voices In My Head Paid Rent I Would Be Rich."

Smile today...and right handers, be aware of the lefthanders!!

Headlines-PsychiatryMatters.MD - the essential resource in psychiatry

Perspective is almost everything…when it comes to contentment and peace, that is…

2009-01-05T18:08:00.001-06:00

My main therapeutic task in the counseling room is to help the client see 'their problem' from a different perspective. Systems theory states that the way you see a problem will determine the answer you find for 'your problem.' As long as you continue to see the problem the way you see it, then your answer will always be the same! This explains why people repeat the same thing over and over getting the same results and complain…they want different results. If my financial problem can only be understood as a lack of money then I am stuck. Did you even have an Uncle Rudy tell you, "It is not the money you make that gets you into financial trouble, it is the money you spend"? Wow, what a different perspective! When I first heard that I thought, "You are nuts, yeah, but you don't make what I make…", but he was correct and I wasn't.

With all the ups and downs of the economy (our local gas prices jumped 17 cents over night two days ago), the 'erosion' of our 401-Ks, the fear of 'what will happen tomorrow,' it is good to take a slightly different perspective. W. Michael Cox and Richard Alm remind us that the 19^th century millionaire couldn't get a cold COKE from the fridge or jump into her car and run three hours down I 65 to Gulf Shores. She could not GOOGLE anything, nor get instant news delivered to her 'desktop' 24/7. She could not jet to New York City or to Belfast, Ireland. She could not run over to the mall and buy a point-and-shoot camera, Blue Ray DVDs, or a Botox injection. She could not escape our torrid heat in the summer with AC nor have a 'boob job' done by a plastic surgeon. She could not have by-pass surgery to prolong her life or even take the 'wonder drug' (aspirin) to quell her raging headache!!

The poorest of us today are far wealthier than any of the wealthy in the 19^th Century. A worker in 1900 worked for two hours and forty minutes to buy a three pound chicken…99 years later? He would only work 24 minutes! Four years prior to my birth the average worker put in more than two hours to 'purchase' 100 kilowatts of electricity; forty-nine years later the worker put in fourteen minutes.

"Godliness with contentment is great gain…" and I struggle in this world keeping the 'right' perspective. Remember, it is how you view your problem that will determine your answer…if you don't like your 'answer' then you may want to adjust your viewpoint. Looking at and doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results…now that is insanity!

A New Twist to Pro Choice

2008-10-25T21:07:00.002-05:00

Tolerance for other people's viewpoints and freedom to choose are sacred rights in our fluid political world today. Points of view are promoted as methods of learning and 'fair and balanced' are mantras for our media driven culture. I remember back when abortion was a horrible word and represented something that was not discussed in polite company. To the determinate of my critical thinking skills, my childhood rarely allowed 'alternative' points of view and if "God said it, then that settled it for me." If God did not settle it then my dad would! My world of information was often guided by the narrow point of view found in our regularly repeated phrase 'our church does not believe in that.' That was said so many times that I wondered, "Did my church believe in anything?" One thing was certain, we rarely discussed anything from a critical perspective.

I remember the first time I knew about suicide (a 'famous' evangelist committed suicide) and no discussion was to be had and the topic was swept away in prayers and all was hushed in the hallowed halls during my Bible School days. Then the abortion movement swept in and again I was left in the dark and not given the opportunity to think my way through and determine what is good or bad, right or wrong, holy or evil in this incredible life changing event.

I was told Roe vs. Wade established the law of the land and that Roe was a precious lady who had to carry her baby full term even though the pregnancy was the result of some horrible crime committed against her. Later I found out that Roe was a precious lady and was pulled into a hoax that was foisted upon our American culture through devious manipulations of the legal system to promote an agenda that I still can't quite wrap my brain around.

Pro choice and pro life are 'lighting rod terms' that ignite the emotions of millions of Americans. Some will even say pro abortion and anti choice to further carve out some political position for some ulterior purpose. Arguments and emotions run high and my faith steps in and sees Pro Choice in a new light. Words, thoughts, images, and music can pierce through the fog of ego defense with powerful messages…I am still critical of my thinking and strive to examine my thoughts and pursue mature life decisions…however, challenge your mind to see Pro Choice a different way and click the link below…listen and you may weep even as I did.

What Do I Want To Do When I Grow Up??

2008-10-06T16:30:00.002-05:00

The popular career interest inventory the Self-Directed Search® (SDS®) was recently featured on Good Morning America. All four anchors of GMA took the SDS and reported their results on-air. Sam Champion and Chris Cuomo took the SDS last week and presented their results; this week, Diane Sawyer and Robin Roberts presented theirs. You can visit http://blogs.abcnews.com/gma/2008/09/whats-your-perf.html and watch the videos from the broadcast at your leisure.

One of my son's recently did this and discovered some very useful information and career guidance. I have helped numbers of clients with this self exploration. There are careers that many of us have never heard of and this short 30 minute investment of your time (along with $5.00 or so) will not only tell you what you suited for (based on your preferences) but will tell you what educational requirements are needed for your interests. Go ahead, view the videos and then take the SDS…let me know what you find…

American University Professor Akbar Ahmed to Embark on Cross-Country Trip for Ethnographic Study of Muslims in America

2008-09-22T08:08:00.001-05:00

I recently had lunch with Don and Glenda Moon (World Gospel Missionaries who reside in Argentina) and during our conversation this was queried by Don. Can someone be a follower of Jesus Christ and still maintain a Muslim culture as his/her main identity? Wow, what a question for someone who lives on the Brass Buckle that comprises the Bible Belt in America!! Have you, ever contemplated how much of our 'church' can be best explained by our culture...I mean the Wednesday night attendance, the sitting in pews, the organ music (or even the latest fad, 'the praise band') are cultural artifacts not biblical absolutes (and there are many, many more...).

Don mentioned that in India, multitudes of Hindu's are embracing Christ Jesus and still retaining their place within the caste system the main culture of that Hindu country. American churches are still arguing over contemporary worship versus 'traditional' worship (by the way my dad hated the word contemporary...he thought it to be something akin to blasphemy, of course he has been in heaven since 1985 and now he knows better!!) and that plane left the runway years ago. In order to overcome the fear/hatred (those two powerful psychological emotions go together) Americans have for Muslims (and vice versus) it may take some trips like Professor Ahmed is making. May God grant him safety and bless him with His grace.

American University Professor Akbar Ahmed to Embark on Cross-Country Trip for Ethnographic Study of Muslims in America

Living in Patterns

2008-08-26T13:14:00.001-05:00

Wendell Berry and his "Solving for Pattern"

"Solving for Pattern," one of twenty-four essays appearing in Wendell Berry's The Gift of Good Land (North Point Press, 1982). "Solving for Pattern" is an important essay about the makeup of good solutions, and it is well worth your reading.

Berry begins by identifying two kinds of bad solutions. The first kind of bad solution brings into play the Law of Unintended Consequences. Berry states, "There is, first, the solution that causes a ramifying series of new problems, the only limiting criterion being, apparently, that the new problems should arise beyond the purview of the expertise that produced the solution." One can think of numerous examples, including me eating a half a bag of Dorito Tortilla Chips whenever I get the munchies: now chips are very efficient at relieving my munchies but they are just as efficient at raising my blood pressure, keep my cholesterol high, and make my heart doctor at UAB upset!

The second kind of bad solution invokes Positive Feedback Loops, driving the system away from stability, and making it increasingly unstable. According to Berry, "The second kind of solution is that which immediately worsens the problem it is intended to solve, causing a hellish symbiosis in which problem and solution reciprocally enlarge one another in a sequence that, so far as its own logic is concerned, is limitless." For example, war and national (and even personal) aggression of all kinds falls into this category.

Wendell Berry then gives a compelling example of a good solution (Earl F. Spencer's 250-acre dairy farm near Palatine Bridge, New York), as well as fourteen characteristics of good solutions. According to Berry, good solutions contribute to personal, communal, and ecological health, by invoking complexity in such a way that there is a cascade of healthful benefits. An example would be when I begin exercising regularly: regular exercise can lead to weight loss, lower cholesterol, improved sleep, improved cardiovascular functioning, greater energy, and it makes my heart doctor at UAB happy! Each of these "byproducts" of exercise can in turn lead to other beneficial outcomes, resulting in a mutually reinforcing web of healthful benefits.

Very often good solutions require paradigm shifts. This was true in Earl Spencer's case, where he completely reframed his farming operation. Such reframing is the centerpiece of a theory of change described by Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland, and Richard Fisch in their book, Change: Principles of Problem Formulation and Problem Resolution (Norton, 1974). In my own work, I seek to help students and patients "look at the problem with different eyes" and with a different perspective. It is reframing and more…it is 'solving for pattern' and avoiding the symbiosis in which the solution and the problem feed each other to an even greater destruction.

Waking Up In Glory, and Finding You Are HOME!

2008-07-26T21:07:00.005-05:00

Pauline Sadler, age 89, married 69 plus years to Geary Sadler, died Saturday (July 26, 2008) night at 8:45 (eastern standard time) was/is the mother of my best friend and wife of 32 plus years, Faith.

Pauline was precious, Godly, strong, a person of powerful convictions, and unwavering in her love. She is the person my dad had in mind when he would talk about "her face is set toward heaven like a flint!" That was Pauline, her singular desire was to be like Jesus Christ in every area of her life. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer some 8 weeks ago and knowing that her father died of the same and how her father died caused some anxiety in Pauline's heart. Pancreatic cancer is vicious, swift and severe, the pain is excruciating, the stomach wrenches in spasms, the body burns with fevers of exceeding 104 degrees, in a word, it is horrible!

I asked her how she managed her fears and she smiled and told me of the countless Psalms she had committed to memory and said, "John Mark, if I can bring my mind to focus on the content of the Psalm my fears go way." Listen, when she paid attention to the Psalms she could not pay attention to her fears and they would subside। She truly exercised what St। Paul described in Philippians 4:8 "brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things…" And you know the God of Peace kept her heart and mind free of those fears।

Maybe you have heard that FEAR is best understood as False Evidence Appearing Real and that the word FEAR appears about 365 times in the Holy Bible and that most of those occurrences are statements such as; "fear not", "don't be afraid", "you have not been given a spirit of fear." Someone told me that God put that in Scripture because we should not be afraid but I think they are there because HE knows that each of us will face fear in this world. Pauline faced her fears with grace, love, and the EXCELLENCE of TRUTH…in the face of LOVE and TRUTH, fear wilts and is no more.

Days like these calls upon our faith because our faith is the only sensible thing we possess…it is during these times my mind is drawn to some gospel songs and I sing them over and over, maybe you remember as well:

"Known only to Him, are the great hidden secrets
I fear not the darkness when my flame shall dim
I know not what the future holds but I know Who holds the future…
It is a secret, Known only to Him…"

And then, there is the one that is part of this BLOG'S title…

"Just think of stepping ashore
and finding it Heaven,
of touching a hand and finding it God's
of breathing new air and finding it celestial....
of waking up in glory and finding you are Home..."

That is what Pauline did tonight…she stepped ashore and found the shore was heaven, she touched a hand and discovered that hand was God's, she took a deep pain free breath of air and to her delight it was celestial and she woke up in Glory found she was HOME!

Pauline, tell my mom and dad, "Hello" from their son, and I will there soon!!
--- John Mark Trent, PhD

Claim: Kids who say 'yuck' may be racist

2008-07-07T21:16:00.001-05:00

I recently read George Orwell's 1984. Orwell graphically describes the end of civilization. Winston (the main character in the book) reads three statements published by the THOUGHT POLICE;

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Now you might wonder, how could anyone ever 'believe' these statements. BigBrother ran a huge campaign of psychological manipulation (remember BB ran the THOUGHT POLICE) and introduced the concept of DOUBLE THINK. DOUBLE THINK is exactly what you might imagine...doublethink is the ability to hold two contradictory ideas in one’s mind at the same time. As the BigBrother's mind-control techniques break down an individual’s capacity for independent thought, it becomes possible for that individual to believe anything that BB tells them, even while possessing the exact information that runs counter to what they are being told. Whee, are you with me still??

Today, I read where in Great Britain a government publication stated that toddlers who say "yuck" when given flavorful foreign food may be exhibiting racist behavior. Now I live in the greater Montgomery, Alabama area and am fully aware that true racism exists today and only through an inner spiritual transformation can our hearts be rid of this hideous poison. There are many legitimate examples of real racism but when DOUBLE THINK enters, then true racism is erased.

I remember Catholic's who said "yuck" to fish on Friday's, orthodox Jews who say "yuck" to pork, and modern Muslims who say "yuck" to pork and shell fish. I have even been know to say "yuck" to cooked broccoli. One more thing, I wonder how much money was spent on this 366 page guide parents are to read?

Claim: Kids who say 'yuck' may be racist

Church's acceptance of homosexuality (OneNewsNow.com)

2008-07-05T18:00:00.001-05:00

A new survey finds that Americans are split almost evenly over perceptions of homosexual behavior as either sinful or acceptable to God. LifeWay Research, an arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, surveyed 1,201 adults in April to determine their attitudes about homosexuality. Forty-eight percent responded that homosexual behavior is sinful, but 45 percent said that it is not -- basically a statistical tie when the margin of error is taken into account.

My point: Who cares what the average rank and file church member thinks or believes about this issue. I really don't care what you know until I know how much you care. Much more critical to our walk in this world is this question; Suppose your best friend, your son, your daughter, were to inform you that they were homosexual...how would you handle it? To me that is the question!Some may say, "that is completely irrelevant..." To them I would ask, "Have you ever loved a gay man or a lesbian woman? Or do you turn away in complete disgust?" Many evangelicals (I was reared "holiness" and we were good at this one) have a visceral response that totally denies the love and understanding of Christ. Remember, Christ touched the untouchables and reached the unreachables, and my friend, they were not only homosexual men but they were pious religious people like you and me. He touched me! Me in my filthy, despicable, self-righteous rags...when no one else understood me, He cared and when I knew how much He cared, I opened up to His Grace.

There was a woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8) and you might remember, Christ knelt down, doodled/scribbled/wrote in the dust after He asked one of the most piercing and stinging rebukes in all of history. "You who are without sin, throw the first stone." The tragedy of my life is my pockets are always full of stones and had I been there, I wonder if I would have thrown one? Rubbish, someone says! Nay, says I...your hand has a rock in it as well!

So, back to the question at hand...I think it is much more pertinent is suppose your best friend wants you to accept him and love him and he is gay? Can you get past your own stuff that causes you to turn away in disgust and allow Christ to love him through you? That is what the Church needs to investigate...that is what I need to investigate!

Church's acceptance of homosexuality (OneNewsNow.com)

Survey on Extramarital Affairs

2008-06-23T19:55:00.001-05:00

Frank Pittman wrote Private Lies, and details the anatomy of an affair. The anguish, anger, selfishness, immaturity, the "swamp of pathology" are all discussed in his well known text. I have discussed with countless couples their affairs and some stay married, some divorce, and some, well some are still trying to figure it all out.

One of the foundational building blocks of all emotionally intimate relationships is truth. Truth extends from honesty, good faith, and sincerity in general, to agreement with fact or reality in particular. Someone today told me that they had committed adultery but would never tell their spouse and I have to wonder if that marriage relationship will survive let alone thrive in this world which seeks to undermine and erode away such foundations. Of course you might ponder, how honest do I have to be, how much must I tell, how much of me does my spouse want to know and need to know? All of this gets really confusing when there is an affair and the troubled couple comes for marital therapy. Many times one spouse has lots of questions and the other spouse is tired of talking about it. Phrases like, "can't she get over it" and "why can't he just put it behind him" become commonplace in the early stages of recovery from an affair. It is my task as their therapist to coach them to talk and discuss and answers questions...many questions. Peggy Vaughn (www.dearpeggy.com) researched couples who were impacted by affairs and discovered that talking about it truly predicts how well the couple will recover. Now as a researcher I am aware of the inherent limitations of this survey, but if you are in the throes of an affair you must consider this material. Find a good therapist and begin to talk...

The primary goals of the survey were:

--To discover the factors involved in whether or not marriages are likely to survive.
--To determine the factors involved in whether or not people are likely to personally recover from this experience.

Statistical analyses of the results indicate:

--The amount the affair was discussed with the spouse and the extent to which the spouse answered questions were significantly associated with the current marital status and quality of the marriage.
--The amount the affair was discussed with the spouse and the extent to which the spouse answered questions were significantly associated with recovery.

Below are the Results of 2 of the 8 Statistical Analyses

1. Hypothesis: A couple is more likely to stay married when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.

chi squared (2, N = 1083) = 78.30, p <.001

55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (and together)
78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and together)
86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and together)

2. Hypothesis: A couple is more likely to stay married when the spouse answers their questions.

chi squared (2, N = 1083) = 66.58, p <.001

59% of those who refused to answer questions were still married (and together)
81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and together)
86% of those whose partner answered all their questions were still married (and together)

John Mark Trent, PhD, Educational Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist

Answers to Life’s Questions

2008-04-15T15:21:00.002-05:00

I have always liked what Anonymous has written. Maybe you have read one of her poignant poems or been caught on the rhyme of some prose she penned. I found another bit of intelligence for your life (can any say I am tired of John Tesh) written by Anonymous that I include in a moment.

I have always enjoyed the exchanged of ideas through rhetoric, discussion, and Socratic questioning. The most important thing I learned during my PhD studies at Auburn University was the value of the right question. Asking the right question remains the best strategy to get the right answer (I still don't know who said this first…). Socrates offered six types of queries you can use to deepen your understanding of your friend, boss, employee, or client/patient (as I often do in my therapy sessions). These 6 Types are can be used in a wide variety of situations and can even become a lens through which you view your world. When you do so, life is a bit clearer and you're a bit wiser. So think with me about each type and see how they are useful for you…

First there are the Conceptual clarification questions
1. Get them to think more about what exactly they are asking or thinking about. Prove the concepts behind their position. These are basic 'tell me more' questions that get them to go deeper. Why are you saying that? What exactly does this mean? How does this relate to what we have been talking about? Can you give me an example?
2. Are you saying ... or ... ? Can you rephrase that, please?
Second of all are the Probing assumptions questions
1. Probing of assumptions makes them think about the presuppositions and unquestioned beliefs on which they are standing. Is this the only way to understand this problem? What else could we assume? You seem to be assuming ... ? How did you choose those assumptions?
Third are the Probing rationale, reasons and evidence seeking questions
1. People often use 'uncritical' or weakly understood reasons for their arguments. How do you know this? Show me ... ? Can you give me an example of that? What do you think causes ... ? What is the nature of this?
Fourth are the Viewpoints and perspectives questionings
1. Most people are stuck with a particular perspective that comes from a particular position. So my questions are used to show that there are other, equally valid, viewpoints. Questions to use are; Another way of looking at this is ..., does this seem reasonable? What alternative ways of looking at this are there? Why it is ... necessary? How could you look another way at this?
Fifth are the Probing implications and consequence seeking questions
1. Each position a person takes has some logical implications that can be guesstimated. Do these make sense? Are they desirable? Then what would happen? What are the consequences of that assumption?
And last but not least are the Questions about the question
1. These are some of my favorites because it allows me to be reflexive about whatever we are discussing. Questions like; what was the point of asking that question? Why do you think I asked this question? What does that mean?

Oh yes I did mention Anonymous earlier, she once said:

I fully realize that I failed to answer your questions completely and,

in fact, to answer some of them all.

The answers I have found only lead

to a new set of questions, some of which

we were not even aware were problems

in the first place.

To sum it up,

I believe that while we are confused as ever,

we are confused about greater and more important things.

---Anonymous

“Just Show Up…”

2007-11-26T08:55:00.000-06:00

Many of life’s battles are often won by simply out lasting the enemy! The key is to “show up” day after day, week after week, month after month…even when every muscle fiber screams “STAY IN BED!”

Most of us have heard how Abraham Lincoln continued even with all the setbacks and difficulties...however, over the Thanksgiving Holiday, my wife and I watched Amazing Grace, the wonderful story of the young idealist William Wilberforce maneuvering his way through the British Parliament in 19th century England, endeavoring to end the horrid British transatlantic slave trade. Here is someone who understood that one critical key to winning in life’s battles was to “show up” week after week, month after month, year after year…Wilberforce persevered (he had much help along the way) and ultimately saw Great Britain’s laws halt all slave trade.

It is interesting to me that my God will open my eyes to this truth from time to time. Just today I read where if those with heart failure will simply stick to an exercise program they can recapture up to 70% of their exercise capacity. Recent research suggested that regular exercise impacts progenitor cells (a pool of immature cells in skeletal muscle that can divide into mature cells as needed for muscle repair) in a very positive manner. Heart patients who were at similar levels of heart failure were placed on a doctor-supervised exercise program and their progress monitored. The results demonstrated that the number of progenitor cells actively dividing to form new cells and repair muscle damage increased dramatically. By the end of the program these heart patient’s exercise capacity had also increased by an average of 35%, giving the men about three-fourths the capacity of healthy men their age. Hey, I will ‘settle’ for 75% capacity of ‘healthy men’ my age…now I must ‘show up’ every day.

We can learn from inspirational stories of God-fueled human determination in the face of adversity. The conflict between the people and their natural surroundings, an oppressive regime, or just themselves, but in any case -- and at any cost -- their ultimate victory serves as a boost to our spirits...hope for all of us.

I am not sure what situation you may face, but I know from history, experience, and God’s guidance, that being faithful and consistent in your daily walk will bring benefits in the years to come. So push through the tough time with your children, the trying time with your spouse, the boring time at work, and (for my students) the exhausting pressure of graduate school…show up and see if you don’t experience some victories in life.

"Show up" today, tomorrow, and on into next week!
John Mark

http://www.NewsTarget.com/022287.html Topics Covered At The American Heart Association's Scientific Sessions 2007

Alone again, unnaturally (my apologies to Gilbert O’Sullivan...see the column to the left)

2007-09-25T11:08:00.001-05:00

Being divorced, single again, and with two or three children is no picnic. Of course there is all the work that goes into child custody issues, realigning your finances, reconciling your divorce with your religious values, (for example, I was raised in a church that taught divorce for any reason at all brought God's judgment and if you were to ever remarry, after any divorce, anyone except your first 'wife' or 'husband', you would go to hell!) and figuring out how to do family as a single man or woman.

However there is also the process of reintegrating back into the social world as a 'single again' person…this time without the identity of being 'Karen's husband' or 'Frank's wife.' This time you are truly once again 'on your own.' Sarah (43, single with three great children) sent me an email, (not her real name of course) asked about dating. Where do I go and what do I do?

She wrote in her email, "I wanted to ask you if this is a mistake on my part. I placed myself on my church's singles site, have been talking to someone and he wants to take me out on Friday. He is divorced…his wife cheated. I am scared. He will drive 3 hours just to take me to a movie and possibly out to eat. I want so bad to go and want so bad to make up an excuse. That is what I do because I am scared. I have been single, and would be okay …but it is lonely and would be nice to have a friend… one to go to a movie with etc. … as for dating, what if I actually miss out on a most wonderful guy? 'Cause they are few and far between. I enjoy laughing and smiling, and people see a change in me at work and church and that must count for something. Single and enjoying it? I enjoy being alone sometimes. I don't have to answer to anyone. What else is so great about being alone?"

What am I to do when I am lonely? My inner core beliefs (my faith) give me the ability to see beyond the realities of my circumstances. And the 'truth' about who I am and my innate value to God re emerges as a certainty to remember, reflect upon, and to ponder as you wander through this world.

Here is the truth! God built into you to have a special friendship with someone. You are probably not breathing if you don't need an intimate, affectionate, transparent relationship with someone. And think about this: filling this need begins with Jesus. It is neither pedestrian nor in poor taste to say that Christ has everything you could ever want in a special, intimate friend. Jesus seeks your friendship. He wants a tight, up close and personal relationship with you. You are amazingly special to Jesus. To Jesus you are not commonplace nor unappealing nor ugly. You are incredible to Him. No matter what others see as your personality quirks or physical flaws, He likes you. He has reserved a place in His heart for you that no one can fill but you! (Don't miss this point, go back and read it again!)

His love is not fickle -- He will not ditch you because He is bored with you. Jesus has deep affectionate feelings for you. When you are down, Jesus cares. When your life is a thrill and you are filled with joy, Jesus celebrates with you! He is God Who feels and shares your happiness and sadness. He is involved in every aspect of your life. You can be intimate with Jesus. No one but no one knows your most intimate thoughts and feelings like this lifelong companion. He is so glad when you share your inmost private thoughts with Him. You can let Him in on your dreams and longings and know that He understands what you mean. Whatever part of your life is under stress, Jesus is available to listen!

There is little doubt that the turmoil surrounding a divorce and the commotion concerning 'being single' again, may dislodge certain truths from within your heart. However, here is one certainty that should be remembered. Your identity and your security must come from within. As you continually realize that your authentic self (the Christ within you) is in fact your source of personal identity and security, your sense of self will become more 'solid' and more durable.

By the way, enjoy the movies and dinner on the town...

Exploring Your Ideas about Love part two

2007-08-22T10:36:00.001-05:00

Well, after the post on August 5, 2007 , I received an EMAIL from a very dear friend who said, "I hypothesize that the longer you are married, the lower your scores become. At 29 years and counting, I don't EXPECT anything. However, the relationship is way better than ever! Lying in bed holding hands is more meaningful than the lovemaking was years ago. I know that when she has to give - she gives all she has. I try my best to do the same…" I shared this story with a couple in therapy and they BOTH looked at me with that baffled and perplexed look which told me, "They don't get it!!" So let's push ahead and explore some more…

Thinking through your ideas about love (both by yourself and with others) is both challenging and enlightening. As you review the statements in the post above, you may be tempted to dismiss "those ideas about love" as belonging to someone who is not nearly as 'grown up' as you are…or you may be tempted to brush off these statements as irrelevant to your situation. But don't be fooled…some of these beliefs are in our very core and it is not easy to gauge how much of our 'relational unhappiness' is due to this irrational and unrealistic view of life. Of course if I have the unrealistic expectations then I am the one who needs to change! Always remember this 'truth' about relationships: Change occurs only as we begin thinking about and working on the self --- rather than staying focused on and reactive to the other.

Of course my partner plays an equal role in our marriage, however, I can place way too much pressure on my partner and on my relationship whenever I want my partner to be,

My friend in this world where I am friendless,
My companion in this world where I am close to no one,
My shield from my aloneness,
My playmate to keep me from getting bored,
My lover (of course I deserve world class treatment here!!), and
She is to be all of this automatically and most of all graciously…according to my whims and needs at the moment (which I myself may not even know!!).

I can also burden my relationship (and smother my partner with this suffocating anxiety)…

When I expect her to do exactly what I want her to do at the moment I want her to do it and to be happily occupied whenever I am too busy for the relationship
When I expect her to make me feel wiser more loving, but she better never ever make me feel inferior!
When I want her to merge with me and complete me and to be me…but don't suffocate me or never bore me!
When I want her to know my needs and meet my needs (ever heard of "his needs her needs?") even when I am being unreasonable. I once knew a very Christian man who demanded that his wife be a "proverbs 31 woman." Umm, I wonder how much peace, tranquility, and joy emanated from that relationship!?!? Doesn't that just radiate grace?!!
When I want her to extend grace to me (forgive or at least overlook my limitations…) while I reject her imperfections!

Can you feel the pressure this type of a relationship would experience? Of course this anxiety forces us to face ourselves and think. These expectations have a way of rearing their ugly heads whenever we go through a stressful period of life, even the normal stressful periods like children getting married and grandbabies coming and/or even changing jobs or building a house!

The great news is whenever I see these irrational parts in me, I can learn to master myself and learn self control. This leads to 'grown up' marriages…where I can choose to believe 'truth' rather than some 'lie' I have picked up along the way.

Laughing Through Life Is Grand!

2007-08-14T08:43:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday (as my friend Owen often says, "Having another birthday beats the alternative!") and yesterday (August 13) was the birthday of one of my favorite cartoonists.

Now I know there is Hart and Parker (of The Wizard of Id fame), Charles Shultz (Peanuts) and Hank Ketchum (Dennis the Menace) but I have always loved Gary Larson. Gary created "The Far Side" and for many years he specialized in comics that provided jokes for a thinking people. Most of the comics had some connection to science or mathematics and usually were the types of creations that you would find in a college professor's office as an example of his "idiosyncratic" sense of humor. I have always enjoyed Larson's work because it was funny and it was comedy that made you think. I can show the pictures to my sons and wife and even buy a book with a collection of his work and leave it out where 'company' can pick it up and leaf through it. So enjoy a few pictures from "The Far Side" and pass them on to your friends. Now there are some people who look at his work and wonder 'what is so funny?' and of course if you have to explain it, it is no longer funny.

Proverbs 17:22 states "A happy and healthy outlook on life brings healing" so lets enjoy today and learn to laugh.

Explore Your Ideas About Love

2007-08-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

What are your ideas about love, romance, and relationships? Exploring your ideas about love and relationships can be beneficial, not only to you but to your partner. Not long ago I worked with a couple who were in the morass of the post- affair swamp of confusion, hurt, and anger. As part of their work they were encouraged to explore their ideas about love. Below is a short list they worked through and they each rated their own opinion as to what constitutes a ‘good relationship.’

Before you complete this, let me point out that many times my unrealistic expectations, not my partner, may be responsible for my dissatisfaction with the relationship. Here are the directions. Read each statement carefully and then answer accordingly

5 = I Strongly Agree
4 = I Agree
3 = I Moderately Agree
2 = I Slightly Agree
1 = I Do not agree

_______ "My partner and I should feel a deep, unspoken bond at-all times."

_______ "My partner should be able to anticipate my needs."

_______ "I shouldn't have to work for love."

_______ "I shouldn't have to work to be 'trusted."

_______ "I deserve to be loved."

_______ "The chemistry is either right or wrong."

_______ "My partner should love me unconditionally."

_______ "My partner should be emotionally available to me whenever I need him or her."

_______ "Love is a feeling that can't be forced or manufactured. It either exists or it doesn't"

_______ "A good marriage is free of conflict"

_______ ''If I'm not happy in my relationship, it's my partner's fault."

_______ "We shouldn't have to work at feeling sexual desire for each other; it should come naturally or not at all."

_______ '"When passion dies, so does the relationship."

This post-affair couple discovered that most of their pre-affair relationship was built upon illusions, myths, and sometimes even delusions. Of course you and I both know that that this faulty foundation did not cause him to go out and commit adultery…anyway, tally up your point total see how you faired.

Scoring Key:

If your score was between 45 and 65 you are living in the valley of illusion…not only are your glasses ‘rose colored’ your ‘head is probably in the sand’ as well!! You are being set up for ‘heart-ache heart- ache heart-ache.’ Your partner can not nor will ever live up to those expectations and of course neither do you!
If your score was between 26 and 44 you have some high expectations and hopefully you are slowly puncturing your balloon. If you don’t puncture it, someone or something else will. Use this time to truly understand yourself and your partner.
If you score is less than 26 then you have a fairly good grasp of love, love expectations, and reality. A relationship built on truth, honesty, and commitment has a chance to survive in this world and also is the most satisfying.

How are you in your relationships? Want to to read more? In Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, Robin Smith digs deeper into what makes good marriages great!

"Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters..."

2007-07-31T14:29:00.000-05:00

Baseball hall of famer Harmon Killebrew tells a story that describes the impact that fathers and men have upon boys. He said (click this link and you can hear the emotion in his voice!), “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard, Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ And Dad would reply ‘We’re not raising grass. We’re raising boys.’”
The needs of Killebrew and his brothers was a driving force in his dad’s life. We accept that every boy needs a father as easily as we accept the notion that he needs a dog. However, a father is far more crucial than a dog to the boy’s well-being but the question of how important fathers are to the well-being of their daughters is just being recognized.

John Mayer wrote:

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the God and the weight of her world

As I watch my wife of 30 years interact with her sisters and as I observe their relationship with their father (my father-in-law) I am awed at the impact this man has upon these girls. Even now, my wife shines with delight as she talks to her dad via the phone and worries with cares as she sees him age. How many times have I heard her say, “You know Daddy just can’t do that anymore…?” In addition, you can ‘see’ on her face the love, care, and concern she has for this man.

I remember walking down our sidewalk one time when they visited and thanking him for raising ‘this girl’ that I love. I thanked him for never violating her nor for damaging her heart. I will never forget his old weathered face quivering with tears springing into his eyes. Moreover, in typical fashion he said, “Oh I have not been perfect and have made mistakes…” And his voice trailed off and I added, “But you loved her!” And he said, “I do…”

Not every daughter has a father like my wife. Many relationships between daughters and fathers are best characterized by ‘distance.’ The distance many times is both physical (they never see each other and he may not even attend her wedding) and emotional (she has no idea what he believes, what he thinks, nor what he feels, she does not even know his core values)

If a daughter's relationship with her father is very distant, it may seem that by the time she is grown and married it has become too late to do anything about it. Dr. Linda Nielsen, a psychologist and a professor of Adolescent Psychology and Women's Studies at Wake Forest University, says it is never too late. She has constructed and taught a unique course “Fathers and Daughters” nearly 20 years. This one of kind class (along with a companion book Embracing Your Father: How to Create the Relationship You Always Wanted With Your Dad, McGraw Hill, 2004) has helped many young women repair this very important family relationship.

She recently told Vision "Unfortunately, the sad fact is that most fathers and daughters do not know each other nearly as well or spend nearly as much time together as mothers and daughters do… you're told, as a Dad--once puberty hits you aren't supposed to spend as much time with your daughter. Once she is a teenager, you are supposed to back off and let Mom have the main relationship. If that's the message you're sent and you're told that's what a 'good father' does, then that's what you're going to do."

While many men are simply following society’s directions, encouraged by many dynamics, stereotypes of our post patriarchal world and culture, his distance may not be his responsibility alone. The daughter plays a role in her relationship with her dad as well. In any case, it is never too late to bring change to the relationship. Whether the change is one of ‘we are closer now’ or one where you have simply gained a more adult/mature/rational perspective of your dad’s world, the results will affect you and grant you greater sense of belonging and happiness.

Heart Bound

2007-07-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

As you read “Heart Bound” by Rosie Hughes (first published in the Sept/Oct 2002 issue of Psychotherapy Networker), you will realize all over again that God works through people! And you will also appreciate how He has worked through people to give you His breathtaking GRACE! Breath in His love and give His Grace to all in your world!

Life lesson 101...A single relationship can change your life...

"SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN into families, and others are forced to find their own. The pathway to mine began circuitously enough in fifth grade, when my friend Barbara invited me to join Pioneer Girls, a church program similar to the Girl Scouts. “If you come three times in a row,” Barbara promised me, “you’ll get this white cross that glows in the dark.” In three weeks, I had my cross, and the ladies’ bathroom at the church where we met had my artwork of naked men on the lid of each toilet seat. I wore clothes too big and shoes too small. “Doesn’t she have a mother?” I overheard the club leader ask another mother one day. I had one, technically, but she was chronically depressed and spent most of my childhood sleeping.

The sharp Rocky Mountain winter came and I kept going to Pioneer Girls. In the darkening afternoons, I learned to shoplift. Afterward, I’d go home to my chaotic house in a poor Denver neighborhood and retreat to my bedroom, its biggest window cracked from top to bottom. I’d covered the half-inch crack with masking tape, and as winter deepened, I watched it turn to brittle brown paper that couldn’t keep out the cold. Often, too cold to sleep, I’d lie in bed watching the crack of light under my door. If Daddy was out drinking, he’d arrive home sometime before dawn, and the door crack would sway with the shadows of my parents fighting. Mother would be crying. Daddy would be slapping, swearing, snarling about the filthy house and the lack of food. He’d bang on the piano, throw up, and go to bed. On nights when Mother didn’t offer enough, he crawled in bed with me.

By the time I was 14; I was drinking, stealing, failing eighth grade, and bullying other children into giving me food from their lunchboxes. My father called me “Buzz Bomb,” his nickname for the kid who beat the cat and terrorized younger children. Yet I kept going to Pioneer Girls, and that summer; the Baptist church whose toilets I’d vandalized paid my way to a camp in the Colorado Mountains. I spent seven glorious days riding horses, hiking, singing, and learning that God was more than an angry expletive. “You have a heavenly Father who loves you and won’t harm you,” the camp director said, as she took my cigarettes away. The day I got back home, I told my father that if he continued to hurt me, I would burn down the house when he was drunk. He never touched me again.

After camp, I met a childless man Walter Ballou, the Sunday School teacher at the Presbyterian Church near my home. Each Sunday, I’d walk into the foreign territory of my newfound faith, and sit with Walter and kids my age in a circle of metal folding chairs in a basement classroom. The lessons were fascinating and everyone paid attention. There were even cute guys who had no legal charges pending against them. Amazing!

Walter was a lawyer. He wore wild-colored ties that matched his socks and handkerchiefs. I wondered why this successful, educated man would teach the Bible to kids—it seemed like something somebody’s mother would do. In time, I learned that he lived alone and trusted his bulldog more than men. He was divorced and somewhat of a misfit in the church.
Walter and I were instant pals. Once I told him that a store manager refused to refund my money for a broken hair dryer. He called the manager, calmly explained what had happened, then said, “I’m calling as a good friend of Rosie’s, but if necessary. I’ll call as her attorney.” I showed up unannounced at his law office with inappropriate boyfriends, terrible report cards, and miscellaneous problems. He’d take me to lunch and ask the questions a good father would ask — How long had my latest boyfriend been clean and sober? Why was he still living with people who used drugs? Conversation by conversation, we became family.

At 24, I married a man who was my own good choice. Walter approved. He led a weekly Bible study in our home. He taught through the noise of crying babies, ringing phones, and children giggling in the next room. He presented his well-researched lessons as though he were defending an innocent client before a jury. He challenged us to live what we believed.
Then, when I was 34, my life fell in on me, and with it, my faith. Already exhausted by a string of disappointments and losses, I suffered a devastating sexual assault and crashed headfirst into a debilitating depression. My pastor was speechless, my friends couldn’t relate, and my husband was scared. God was silent. I expected Walter to walk away in disgust. But he didn’t. Family don’t leave you!

The same year, Walter’s sister Joy, his only living relative, was diagnosed with cancer. He closed his law practice, turned his home into a hospice, and, cared for her until she died. Now I was his only family. By the time I celebrated my 40th birthday, he’d become a fixture at the head of our table for every holiday meal. Our relationship had settled into a comfortable, loving place, with a family’s inside jokes and teasing. I sent him Father’s Day cards and Mother’s Day cards. I introduced him as “my parents.”

Then we turned down the pathway that many families eventually travel. Walter was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. He got lost in his own home, burned pots on the stove, and gave away thousands of dollars to dubious political causes. He thought his reflection in the mirror was another man who dressed like him and smoked his brand of cigars. He reported imaginary trips on buses and entertained fantasy ladies for tea. He spun with elaborate hallucinations as he wandered at night, ringing doorbells.

Now the fatherless daughter and the childless man reversed roles. I became his caretaker, and our family became forever something beyond gratitude and sentiment. The man who had spent his entire life fighting for the legal rights of others now had none. He’d signed them over to me. I can still see him sitting on the edge of the examining table at the doctor’s office, swinging his tennis-shoed feet like a 5- year-old. I made sure his clothes weren’t too big and his shoes too small.

I held his hands and washed his face. My daughter and I sang hymns in his ear as he slept. We navigated the excruciating terrain that older members of many families travel, from dogged self-sufficiency to “no choice” dependence. And if anyone neglected or mistreated him, I declared war.

When I was 49, Walter was moved to a locked-care facility, where his brain died one neuron at a time. He forgot how to walk, swallow, smoke, and speak. Alzheimer’s took reason from his mind, flesh from his bones, and brightness from his eyes. There were times when the sadness was more than I thought I could carry. I had to learn to ask for help from others who also loved him. In the heat of the battle, Buzz Bomb whispered, “Hey! Let’s grab our cigarettes and head for the woods.” But I didn’t.

I’d had a wonderful example of “staying power” lived before me. Walter practiced what he preached, modeling acceptance, authenticity, understanding, joy, consistency, and unconditional love, He’d given me respect, and I’d learned to live with my head up. He taught me that my faith wasn’t to be thrown out when I didn’t get what I wanted. He could have hidden his light under a bushel and walked away from a desperate 15-year- old girl. But he didn’t. Walter was my father, and I was his child. Something supernatural had bound a fatherless child to a childless man." --- Rosie Hughes, LPC

Rules for A Really Rotten Life!

2007-07-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

Everywhere there are articles, book and professional therapists offering advice on how to improve your life and help you become ‘happy and fulfilled.’ "How to" books fill the shelves of Books A Million, Barnes and Nobles and over flow our homes!!

There are even churches whose purpose is ‘help you become a better you in five easy steps.’

I have looked around and there seems to be missing a guide to how to make life truly miserable. Now there are some people who are have that special blend of passion and contentment and live a life of joy but what about the vast numbers of individuals who are determined to be miserable, these people have nowhere to turn for advice. With this predicament in mind I have some ‘never fail’ rules for a really rotten existence. If you are simply going through some painful times and you truly want the option of misery to blossom in your heart, then simply implement one or more of the following rules

Be a Success and Everyone Will Like You

Never let anyone see you sweat and don't let anyone know you have any vulnerabilities. You see, people want to connect with superstars and successful people, however, they want to attach in order to advance not in order to know!!

Make People Happy So They Will Want to Be Your Friend

As long as you are funny you will have friends! When people ask, "how are you?" Always do the American thing and say, "Fine!" As you do so, remember what FINE represents: Frustrated, Isolated, Neurotic, and Empty...ain't that the makin's of a truly miserable existence?!!

Don’t Do Anything That Would Upset People

In other words, make sure the needs of your husband comes before your own and really be careful not to share you true self lest he become peeved and pout all weekend (horror of horrors!) Of course, this is not gender specific, don't ever disagree with your wife or ever...well you know...

Avoid Pain At All Costs – Pain Will Destroy You

Don’t have dreams they will turn to nightmares. Don’t plan on anything because everyone will let you down and whatever you do, don’t take any risks! You should not have to tolerate any pain...it just isn't fair!

Always, I Mean Always Be Hyper Vigilant As You Look Out For Danger

Be sure you control everything or something bad will happen! Always protect yourself because people are out to get you...remember people are malicious.

Be Perfect At All Times

People only accept that which is perfect so you need to develop a highly self-critical mindset to remind yourself that you must do the job ‘just right’ or you are not good enough!

Always remember that pain is inevitable but misery is optional and to be sure you take that option let these rules run your life!

Mysteries of Grace

2007-07-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

One of the great mysteries of grace is found in the strange attraction Jesus had for the unattractive. Jesus had this desire for the undesirable and a strange love for the unlovely! Of course we realize Jesus is simply reflecting Abba’s love…Jesus loves the ones the Father loves!

One “…time the disciples came to Jesus saying, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’” Jesus steps up and pierces our thick-skinned hearts and calls “a child, had him stand among them, and said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn around and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven! Whoever then humbles himself like this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:1-4, The NET Bible).

Cutting right through our prejudices He sets this child on His knee…this child with no self-consciousness and therefore incapable of any charades, shams, or pretenses. Brennan Manning (in The Ragamuffin Gospel, a must read for all!!) tells of little three year old John Dyer. Brennan heard the knocking on the door, opens the door and there is little John flanked by both parents. Brennan said, “Well, Hello John, it is good to see you…” And to use a phrase my Dad often used, with his face ‘set like a flint,’ John looked neither left nor right but straight at Brennan with fierce determination and boldly demanded, “Where’s the cookies?”

God’s Grace belongs to those with no self-consciousness…those who are not trying to look good or impress themselves or anyone else. God’s Grace falls on those who are not worried about how their actions will be interpreted or wondering if they will get any ‘kudos’ for ‘good behavior.’ No, God’s Grace belongs to the child. “Who is the greatest?” is still yammering for an answer here in 2007 and with swift barbed jabs of love, Jesus incisively penetrates through our narcissism (“oh I wonder if I am good enough?”), our boasting (“do you know how many came forward and were baptized last week?), and our fretting (“I guess I am just fundamentally flawed and nothing will ever change!”). You see a child does not have to struggle to get herself into a good position to have a Grace Relationship with God, she does not have to paint a pretty face for herself, nor possess any great intellectual understanding. All she has to do is accept the cookies! Oh the Grace of God!!

I think when Jesus encourages us to become as little children He is asking us to forget the past and realize it is only NOW that I am with God. You see, it matters not what good or ill I have in my past, it is irrelevant to the MAX, or as my son says it is “uber irrelevant!” It only NOW that I am with God…not yesterday (“oh for the good ole days?!?) nor tomorrow (“oh I had better be sure this is taken care of) but only today!!

Living in the now, living life to it’s fullest, being fully human and fully alive; this is what God’s Grace offers. One day a monk was running away from a hungry tiger and saw a rope dangling over a cliff. He quickly grabbed the rope and let himself down. “Whew,” he thought, “that was close.” 500 feet below he saw jagged rocks and glancing up he saw the saber-toothed tiger. About that time two mice began nibbling on the rope and the monk thought, “Oh my goodness, what am I to do?” Then he looked at the rock wall in front of him and saw the reddest and biggest strawberry ever. He reached out, took it, and promptly ate it. He said, “That was the best strawberry ever!”

I would have never seen the strawberry! I would have been so preoccupied with my future (the rocks below) or worried about my past (the tiger above) that I would have missed the “here and now” with God today! Children do not focus on the tigers of the past nor worry about the rocks of tomorrow. Oh to be as Paul who says “I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead…” (Philippians 3:13 The NET Bible).

John Mark

The Awesome Power of Words...

2007-07-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

You and I need to tell our BRAIN what to think! If not it will run willy/nilly and PING from one thing to another...part of the BRAIN RETRAINING is grounded in my FAITH and my THEOLOGY. My faith (Philippians 4:8) must inform my brain what it will think and what it will not think.

So I have changed the words I use in my everyday interactions with my family, friends, and everyone else. Words have meanings and meanings have consequences and to change consequences I need to change my words...words are expressions of faith. The ultimate expression of faith (one's individual salvation with God) is connected to The Word..."faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God..." (Romans 10), and in a very similar way, what I say is an expression of my faith...so what follows is a list of words that I will not use because my faith says, there is a better way of expressing who I am...

Read the list and let me know what you think...

Greedy, liar, cheap, hateful, jealous, vindictive, controlling, nasty, possessive, whiney, wimp, evil, geek, prudish, womanizer, angry, secretive, codependent, alcoholic, predator, drug addict, gambler, sick, fat, disgusting, stupid, idiot, fearful, unconscious, masochistic, bulimic, anorexic, unimportant, shyster, compulsive, frigid, rigid, abuser, manipulative, victim, victimizer, egocentric, better than, foolish, emotional, pompous, ugly, sloppy, loud mouth, big mouth, passive-aggressive, smelly, lame, coward, jerk, inauthentic, offensive, inappropriate, wild, dead, zombie, late, irresponsible, incompetent, lazy, opportunistic, lush, stingy, unfair, dumb, traitor, weasel, immature, gossip, snippy, desperate, childish, floozy, shrew, pansy, golddigger, hormonal, cruel, insensitive, scary, dangerous, explosive, perverted, psychotic, needy, energy sucker, mean, defensive, man-hater, sad, frail, impotent, insipid, castrated, mama’s boy, nervous, arrogant, miser, spinster, slut, deceitful, judgmental, imposter, superficial, violent, thoughtless, martyr, hypocrite, sneak, grudge carrier, condescending, competitive, power hungry, sinister, bigot, anxious, stuck, hot shot, goofy, woman-hater, sadistic, loser, whore, shameful, dirty, bitter, shameless, bossy, inflexible, cagey, resentful, racist, snob, dominating, sleazy, overbearing, ignorant, thief, cheater, trashy, devious, conniving, insecure, depressed, hopeless, not good enough, frugal, unlovable, delinquent, scared, hyper, intrusive, malicious, resentful, righteous, useless, destructive, resistant, thick-headed, betrayer, confrontational, self-destructive, pigheaded, oversensitive, empty, ridiculous, wretched.

See, none of them tell me anything about you...nor do they say anything about me...why would I use them??

John Mark

Family Ties That Bind....

2007-07-03T21:08:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, a storm-tossed ship gave up one of its passengers. He clung to debris that had gone over the side with him and floated for a few hours. Finally, he could hold on no longer, and he let go. When he came to, he found himself on an uncharted island. The island was perfect. Tall palms, verdant brush, sparkling hills. Hardly believing it was real, he tried to wake himself from his dream, though with some fear that if he succeeded, he would find himself dead. It appeared, however, that he was very much alive. Curiosity and hunger moved him to explore. As he invaded the jungle's depths, he was struck by the calm. There were no loud cries of birds or beasts, and there seemed to be, if anything, a certain order everywhere.

He spent most of that first day feasting with his eyes and mouth. Many delicious fruits and nuts were easily available to his reach, and his stomach was soon satisfied. But so wondrous were the colors, the more his eyes took in, the more he wanted to devour. As the first evening came on, and he prepared for sleep, he found that the climate, while cool, was in no way chilling. Wearily he lay down to bed upon a mattress of soft leaves, thankful to be still alive, yet a little scared at being so alone.

When he woke the next morning, he was no longer by himself. Sitting all about him in a circle were men, women, and children. Some of the most beautiful men, women, and children he had ever seen. They had taken care not to awaken him, and they had brought gifts. Did they think he was a god? As he bestirred himself, they came over, offering food and drink. One who seemed to be a leader appeared to be asking if he were ill or hurt. He did not speak their language, but they easily understood his gestures. He quickly discovered that theirs, too, were easily understandable.

Indeed, he found that everything about these people was simple and graceful. They accepted him immediately and made him one of them. He learned their ways of communication.
But there was one idea he was totally unable to convey, that at times he wanted to be by himself. On this island, no one was ever left alone. When a baby was born, the people did not sever the umbilical cord. The child thus remained extremely close to its mother throughout its infancy. If the mother wanted to have another child, the umbilical cord was severed, but only from the mother, and her end was then reattached by a simple surgical procedure to one of the older women, who-continued to care for the child until it was ready to mate. As part of the wedding ceremony, the future partners' cords were severed, but again, only the ends that were connected to the parent surrogates, and, as each loose end was attached to the intended spouse, the bride and groom were thus united. In those cases where a mother had had only one child, the cord was reattached directly from natural mother to spouse.

Shortly before a wife was to give birth, the husband and wife had their cords unjoined and the husband could then become attached to another female ready to leave her mother or mother surrogate. He also had the option of rejoining with his own mother, if she had not rejoined with her husband, or he could join again with some mother surrogate, perhaps his original one.
While to our modern sense, this way of bonding might seem primitive, even uncivilized, the effects of this constant attachment on society were astounding. Anger was unknown, depression was easily cured, crime was unheard of, envy and jealousy never spawned, and competition and rivalry were totally absent. There was no such thing as embarrassment, nor any of those behavior patterns that we have come to call neuroses. If there was fear or anxiety, it was experienced only during that period of time when someone accidentally "lost" a partner. Such loss was always replaced as soon as possible, however, and the anxiety would quickly subside. Indeed, it was probably only because the islanders remembered these instances of loss that some sense of aloneness was known at all. Despite this, the expected death of a family member never increased anxiety greatly, because everyone had the assurance that the family would quickly make a replacement available. Such back-up also may have meant that individuals were freer to die.

The man spent many years on the island, at one point becoming attached to a woman with whom he found mutual attraction. But he soon realized that he could not suffer her omnipresence, and rather than introduce the spoilation of bickering to these lovely people, he asked for a "separation." There was perhaps one time when he thought he had found a woman who might have tried his way of life, but she changed her mind at the last minute and soon tied the knot with another. As he retold it later, her change of mind seemed to have less to do with any failure of nerve on her part than with a concern to calm her own family. They seemed to be becoming increasingly upset over the prospect of their daughter's living unattached.

After several years, the proverbial ship appeared and he left these wonderful people sadly. As always, he was astounded by their reaction, this time to his departure. For as kind and close as they had seemed, they now appeared to take his loss with perfect equanimity. In fact, he found himself wondering if they had ever cared at all. Whereas he, though he had been unable to be totally a part of their life, now found himself almost totally unable to separate.

When he returned home, his family was overjoyed to see him again, though his wife, thinking he had died, had soon remarried. He himself remarried shortly thereafter, and the pain of the loss subsided. He tried to publish an account of his experience in several scholarly journals, but they all said it was too fantastic. He finally sold it as a fantasy. One reviewer thought his style too realistic.

Many years later, a ship traveling in the same waters happened upon a gloriously beautiful, uncharted island. A crew went forth to explore. They were met by a patrol who ushered them firmly to headquarters. When it was seen that the men meant no harm, they were freed, and their ship was allowed to come into the port of the island's bustling metropolis. The men were quite surprised to see such an advanced society so far removed from the rest of civilization. Newspapers contained all the sections of any modern daily: current events, crime, economic issues, sports fashions, the usual range of advertisement.

"You know," said one of the crew, "as a child, I once heard a story about a beautiful island just like this. A man claimed to have lived there for several years. He described it as one of the loveliest places he had ever seen, with the kindest and warmest people. In many ways he could have been describing this very place. Except that he said it was very primitive, and there was one other thing also. he said, "If you could feature this, everyone went around constantly tied to someone else by their umbilical cords."

"Oh, I remember him," the tour guide said, as he ushered them all into a waiting hovercraft. "That's just the way it used to be here," he continued, straining above the noise of the motors as they exploded into full throttle. "But after he left," the pilot shouted back through the spray, "we all cut them off."

From the library of: John Mark Trent, PhD

Excerpted from: (1990) Friedman, Edwin H., Friedman’s Fables, Guilford Press

Thoughts that were prompted as you read this fable?? Don't you like stories?