The Good Enough Mom Lets Her Children Fail!

There are two overarching principals of effective parenting. The first is parents must love their child(ren) unconditionally! And the second principal is equally important, namely that effective parents allow their children to fail. It is this second principal that I touch on today. I knew a mother of an 18 year old man/child. This dear wonderful loving mother was so frustrated with herself and as I talked with her she revealed that she is angry that her son won't brush his teeth. She stated with great emotion and exasperation, "He gets made at me every day when I ask him, 'Have you brushed your teeth?' I don't know what to do, he just won't brush his teeth!"

Now, if you are like me, you laugh and wonder, how did this situation get so desperate but many of us run to rescue the child from some failure/hurt/rejection etc. So remember this, parents who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him or her, encourage the child to be irresponsible. Parents must learn to “mind their own business” and let the child learn from the logical consequences of her/his own behavior. Bon Voyage! and ¡Buen viaje! Enjoy the ride...it always gets better!!

Open Up! And Live!!

I was raised in a very closed and narrow world. Religious straight jackets were handed out and you either conformed or were excommunicated! If you conformed you belonged...if you (horror of horrors!!) did not conform you were seen/labeled as a rebel and were told in no uncertain terms that 'rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft!' With that pronouncement, out you go into 'not belonging' and it is no wonder that so many of my child hood friends are still searching for a place to belong!

I have learned that people who are truly alive and well are NOT closed and narrow but open and flexible! Flexible people allow for the reality of doubt and uncertainty! Rigid people cannot live with with doubt and they seek to complete their picture of life quickly using as few pieces as possible. The pieces of their life fit in a very small and tight pattern and these few pieces are all they need. More pieces would confuse them and they cannot allow any confusion! If you talk to rigid people you might think they are truly certain about life but you later realize they are only certain about their 14 small pieces they call life!

Rigid people are like the suspicious detective who takes the first bits of evidence and makes it fit his preconceived idea and comes to an unshakable and 'definite' conclusion about the mystery of life! If there is any new evidence uncovered, they quickly bend it and mold it to fit into the shape of their premature conclusion. They live a static, fixed life with no dynamic living and in a world that is so small that they can handle it. Now they will not admit to this, but they are afraid to try any more...to attempt anything anymore...to be open to reality would freeze up their internal processor...the computer would crash!

But, to the one who allows life and accepts life...they have true serenity amidst the turmoil of doubt and questions. Maybe that is what Jesus intended when He said, "I give peace to you, MY peace I give to you, NOT as the world gives peace! Don't let your heart be trouble! Take MY peace!"

Vacation 2009

Well, it takes me awhile but here is some pictures from our vacation to Silverton, CO.

Married (Happily) With Issues - NYTimes.com

Married (Happily) With Issues - NYTimes.com

I was recently interviewed by our local CBS TV affliate about a website that purports having an affair can be maritally beneficial. You can have a 'fling' and it will be kept secret, while your marriage remains 'intact.' The website has been "marketed" on Oprah (I mean do you really think people go on Oprah's show for anything else??) and the website boasts of thousands of 'satisfied' customers.
The TV reporter ask me, "What is your opinion of the claims of this website?" I stated, "He is nuts! Did you notice that it is a man who came up with this idea...and why would anyone 'pay' $450.00 to join his website for an extra marital affair when they can 'pay' an escort service less money than that?" Of course we went on to discuss extra marital affairs more fully, why people have them, should they be confessed, do men have them more than women, and is the sex better in an affair than at home. Short answers to the questions you ask?
1. Affairs are 'had' for a myriad of reasons not the least of which he/she (the infidel, to use Frank Pittman's great word) can not be honest with themselves and with their spouse and this lack of 'self confrontation' leads to dishonesty and destruction.
2. Should they be confessed? I would have to confess because personal integrity is a core value of mine, but some people are more pragmatic and would choose not to.
3. Men have more affairs than women? I think the data probable supports this, but you would be suprised (maybe you wouldn't!) how many women are infidels as well.
4. Is the affair sex better than sex at home? I have never had a client tell me the sex was better. Good sex is much more than 'genital response cycles!' I remember asking my heart doctor at University of Alabama at Birmingham's Kirklin Clinic, "Doc, will I be able to play golf after this surgery?" And to my amazement he said, "Why sure...there will be no problem!" My surprised response? "Well Doc, that is wonderful news!" Little did he know that I have never played golf!
The CBS reporter asked, "What makes a perfect marriage?" I said, "There is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. However, marriage is the mechanism by which imperfect people are made 'more perfect' ...that is if they can endure the perfecting struggle!"
So here I am, being worked on again...there is so much to work on!! Oh, but I love the result! 32 years of marital bliss? No way!! But there have been some incredibly blissful moments and there are more to come!! Onward and upward...I think I ought to take up golf?

Why Some Blacks Prefer 'Blind Side' to 'Precious' - ABC News

"While everyone is fussing about 'Precious,' a movie like 'The Blind Side' is going to make a pile of dough and seems far more racially patronizing," said Phillips, the white co-host of the syndicated show "At the Movies." 'The Blind Side' is telling a really good story about one African-American character completely through the perspective of the white family.'

'That's absurd and patronizing in itself,' Armond White, chief film critic of The New York Press, said of Phillips' comments.
The reason for the discrepancy, said White, who is black, is simple.
'Some black people find 'Precious' offensive and they don't find 'The Blind Side' offensive,' he said. 'There's more humanity there. 'Precious' is like a horror show, a freak show. There's nothing but misery, debased behavior and degradation. One film is about Samaritan-ism, humanism, kindness, love and brotherhood, and the other is about degradation and ignorance."

The jaded spirit of some 'experts' must mean their hearts are empty of any joy. Go watch Blindside and see if you see color. I guess you can see color or you can see humanity...maybe that depends upon how 'jaded' you are.

Fear of the Dark!

At dusk on November 9, 1965, the biggest power failure in U.S. history occurs! All of New York state, sections of seven surrounding states, and parts of eastern Canada are plunged into darkness...the lights went out. This blackout began at the height of rush hour with millions of commuters caught and some 800,000 people trapped in New York's subways! Thousands were stranded in office buildings, elevators, and trains. 15,000 police types (10,000 National Guardsmen and 5,000 off-duty policemen) were called into service to prevent looting.
I remember my Mom's fear and how this was in the news...even though in central Ohio, our lights never flickered!
A 230-kilovolt transmission line near Ontario, Canada, tripped at 5:16 p.m., which caused several other heavily loaded lines also to fail. The dominos fell and a cascading failure of additional lines which resulted in the eventual breakup of the entire Northeastern transmission network. Thirty-million people in eight U.S. states and the Canadian provinces of Ontario and Quebec were affected by the blackout. By morning, when the sun was coming up, power was restored to all. Wonder if there any others who remember the night the lights went out in the North East?

Twenty four years ago Dad had cancer!

Melanoma 101: Symptoms, Signs, Diagnosis, Treatment, Types and Prevention on MedicineNet.com

Twenty-four years ago this week I went with my dad to the hospital to view the results of his liver scan. Anxiety, worries, and fears abounded as Faith, my mom, and I stood in front of doctor's viewer as he placed each scanned image, slice by slice on the white surface.

Four years earlier my dad had a mole removed from the back of his scalp. The doctor sliced it off and told mom that is was a carcinoma, malignant melanoma. And with that news, he sent dad home, and we, not knowing any better, resumed living with little or no worry. Our doctor did not seem worried and neither were we.

Fast forward to that day twenty-four years ago. We had just moved to Louisville, Kentucky, purchase our starter home, was in the process of adopting our first son, when mom said that dad was not feeling well. At age 63, he was planning to retire and he and mom were to spend the next few years camping. "The truck" had been purchased and a Coleman 'pop-up' camper was bought...they were planning to go in style. Mom, 10 years dad's junior, was going to work for a few more years and then they were going to enjoy 'retirement.'

We did not know that cancer was circulating through my dad's body and the untreated melanoma of four years earlier had come back. I will never forget anxiously looking down the scanned images, not really sure of what I was looking for, but saw 'gray', 'gray', 'gray', 'gray'...each of the slides were 'gray.' But on the fourth row, some twenty-eight or thirty images down, there was on that had a black dot, and the next had a larger black dot, and finally there were several with several black dots. We knew, dad had cancer in his liver. The next day we stayed for 'the bone scan.' The doctor came in and said, "His bones look like honey-comb...it is all over his bones."

The next seven weeks were filled with pain and pleasure...Nathan Wesley came home, dad slowly died. Christmas morning at 6:40 he died. Less than eight weeks after the 'diagnosis', once again, of malignant melanoma.

You need to know, this cancer can be 'cured' if it is caught and treated agressively and adequately! Lisa M. (a very dear friend) is living proof...some ten years after her 'mole' and surrounding skin was cut away in surgery. If you have a history (family or other wise) of skin 'issues' be sure you get checked yearly...let your doctor's look you over. Had dad's first doctor has treated him properly, he would have lived several more years...what might have been but never was.

Click the link associated with this blog and learn a bit more about the savage cancer that took dad's life...of course, the camper was not used, the truck was not driven, and retirement was not enjoyed and Christmas has never quite been the same.