Answers to Life’s Questions

I have always liked what Anonymous has written. Maybe you have read one of her poignant poems or been caught on the rhyme of some prose she penned. I found another bit of intelligence for your life (can any say I am tired of John Tesh) written by Anonymous that I include in a moment.

I have always enjoyed the exchanged of ideas through rhetoric, discussion, and Socratic questioning. The most important thing I learned during my PhD studies at Auburn University was the value of the right question. Asking the right question remains the best strategy to get the right answer (I still don't know who said this first…). Socrates offered six types of queries you can use to deepen your understanding of your friend, boss, employee, or client/patient (as I often do in my therapy sessions). These 6 Types are can be used in a wide variety of situations and can even become a lens through which you view your world. When you do so, life is a bit clearer and you're a bit wiser. So think with me about each type and see how they are useful for you…

1. First there are the Conceptual clarification questions
   
   1. Get them to think more about what exactly they are asking or thinking about. Prove the concepts behind their position. These are basic 'tell me more' questions that get them to go deeper. Why are you saying that? What exactly does this mean? How does this relate to what we have been talking about? Can you give me an example?
      
   2. Are you saying ... or ... ? Can you rephrase that, please?
      
2. Second of all are the Probing assumptions questions
   
   1. Probing of assumptions makes them think about the presuppositions and unquestioned beliefs on which they are standing. Is this the only way to understand this problem? What else could we assume? You seem to be assuming ... ? How did you choose those assumptions?
      
3. Third are the Probing rationale, reasons and evidence seeking questions
   
   1. People often use 'uncritical' or weakly understood reasons for their arguments. How do you know this? Show me ... ? Can you give me an example of that? What do you think causes ... ? What is the nature of this?
      
4. Fourth are the Viewpoints and perspectives questionings
   
   1. Most people are stuck with a particular perspective that comes from a particular position. So my questions are used to show that there are other, equally valid, viewpoints. Questions to use are; Another way of looking at this is ..., does this seem reasonable? What alternative ways of looking at this are there? Why it is ... necessary? How could you look another way at this?
      
5. Fifth are the Probing implications and consequence seeking questions
   
   1. Each position a person takes has some logical implications that can be guesstimated. Do these make sense? Are they desirable? Then what would happen? What are the consequences of that assumption?
      
6. And last but not least are the Questions about the question
   
   1. These are some of my favorites because it allows me to be reflexive about whatever we are discussing. Questions like; what was the point of asking that question? Why do you think I asked this question? What does that mean?
      

Oh yes I did mention Anonymous earlier, she once said:

I fully realize that I failed to answer your questions completely and,

in fact, to answer some of them all.

The answers I have found only lead

to a new set of questions, some of which

we were not even aware were problems

in the first place.

To sum it up,

I believe that while we are confused as ever,

we are confused about greater and more important things.

---Anonymous

“Just Show Up…”

Many of life’s battles are often won by simply out lasting the enemy! The key is to “show up” day after day, week after week, month after month…even when every muscle fiber screams “STAY IN BED!”

Most of us have heard how Abraham Lincoln continued even with all the setbacks and difficulties...however, over the Thanksgiving Holiday, my wife and I watched Amazing Grace, the wonderful story of the young idealist William Wilberforce maneuvering his way through the British Parliament in 19th century England, endeavoring to end the horrid British transatlantic slave trade. Here is someone who understood that one critical key to winning in life’s battles was to “show up” week after week, month after month, year after year…Wilberforce persevered (he had much help along the way) and ultimately saw Great Britain’s laws halt all slave trade.

It is interesting to me that my God will open my eyes to this truth from time to time. Just today I read where if those with heart failure will simply stick to an exercise program they can recapture up to 70% of their exercise capacity. Recent research suggested that regular exercise impacts progenitor cells (a pool of immature cells in skeletal muscle that can divide into mature cells as needed for muscle repair) in a very positive manner. Heart patients who were at similar levels of heart failure were placed on a doctor-supervised exercise program and their progress monitored. The results demonstrated that the number of progenitor cells actively dividing to form new cells and repair muscle damage increased dramatically. By the end of the program these heart patient’s exercise capacity had also increased by an average of 35%, giving the men about three-fourths the capacity of healthy men their age. Hey, I will ‘settle’ for 75% capacity of ‘healthy men’ my age…now I must ‘show up’ every day.

We can learn from inspirational stories of God-fueled human determination in the face of adversity. The conflict between the people and their natural surroundings, an oppressive regime, or just themselves, but in any case -- and at any cost -- their ultimate victory serves as a boost to our spirits...hope for all of us.

I am not sure what situation you may face, but I know from history, experience, and God’s guidance, that being faithful and consistent in your daily walk will bring benefits in the years to come. So push through the tough time with your children, the trying time with your spouse, the boring time at work, and (for my students) the exhausting pressure of graduate school…show up and see if you don’t experience some victories in life.

"Show up" today, tomorrow, and on into next week!
John Mark

http://www.NewsTarget.com/022287.html Topics Covered At The American Heart Association's Scientific Sessions 2007

Alone again, unnaturally (my apologies to Gilbert O’Sullivan...see the column to the left)

Being divorced, single again, and with two or three children is no picnic. Of course there is all the work that goes into child custody issues, realigning your finances, reconciling your divorce with your religious values, (for example, I was raised in a church that taught divorce for any reason at all brought God's judgment and if you were to ever remarry, after any divorce, anyone except your first 'wife' or 'husband', you would go to hell!) and figuring out how to do family as a single man or woman.

However there is also the process of reintegrating back into the social world as a 'single again' person…this time without the identity of being 'Karen's husband' or 'Frank's wife.' This time you are truly once again 'on your own.' Sarah (43, single with three great children) sent me an email, (not her real name of course) asked about dating. Where do I go and what do I do?

She wrote in her email, "I wanted to ask you if this is a mistake on my part. I placed myself on my church's singles site, have been talking to someone and he wants to take me out on Friday. He is divorced…his wife cheated. I am scared. He will drive 3 hours just to take me to a movie and possibly out to eat. I want so bad to go and want so bad to make up an excuse. That is what I do because I am scared. I have been single, and would be okay …but it is lonely and would be nice to have a friend… one to go to a movie with etc. … as for dating, what if I actually miss out on a most wonderful guy? 'Cause they are few and far between. I enjoy laughing and smiling, and people see a change in me at work and church and that must count for something. Single and enjoying it? I enjoy being alone sometimes. I don't have to answer to anyone. What else is so great about being alone?"

What am I to do when I am lonely? My inner core beliefs (my faith) give me the ability to see beyond the realities of my circumstances. And the 'truth' about who I am and my innate value to God re emerges as a certainty to remember, reflect upon, and to ponder as you wander through this world.

Here is the truth! God built into you to have a special friendship with someone. You are probably not breathing if you don't need an intimate, affectionate, transparent relationship with someone. And think about this: filling this need begins with Jesus. It is neither pedestrian nor in poor taste to say that Christ has everything you could ever want in a special, intimate friend. Jesus seeks your friendship. He wants a tight, up close and personal relationship with you. You are amazingly special to Jesus. To Jesus you are not commonplace nor unappealing nor ugly. You are incredible to Him. No matter what others see as your personality quirks or physical flaws, He likes you. He has reserved a place in His heart for you that no one can fill but you! (Don't miss this point, go back and read it again!)

His love is not fickle -- He will not ditch you because He is bored with you. Jesus has deep affectionate feelings for you. When you are down, Jesus cares. When your life is a thrill and you are filled with joy, Jesus celebrates with you! He is God Who feels and shares your happiness and sadness. He is involved in every aspect of your life. You can be intimate with Jesus. No one but no one knows your most intimate thoughts and feelings like this lifelong companion. He is so glad when you share your inmost private thoughts with Him. You can let Him in on your dreams and longings and know that He understands what you mean. Whatever part of your life is under stress, Jesus is available to listen!

There is little doubt that the turmoil surrounding a divorce and the commotion concerning 'being single' again, may dislodge certain truths from within your heart. However, here is one certainty that should be remembered. Your identity and your security must come from within. As you continually realize that your authentic self (the Christ within you) is in fact your source of personal identity and security, your sense of self will become more 'solid' and more durable.

By the way, enjoy the movies and dinner on the town...

Exploring Your Ideas about Love part two

Well, after the post on August 5, 2007 , I received an EMAIL from a very dear friend who said, "I hypothesize that the longer you are married, the lower your scores become. At 29 years and counting, I don't EXPECT anything. However, the relationship is way better than ever! Lying in bed holding hands is more meaningful than the lovemaking was years ago. I know that when she has to give - she gives all she has. I try my best to do the same…" I shared this story with a couple in therapy and they BOTH looked at me with that baffled and perplexed look which told me, "They don't get it!!" So let's push ahead and explore some more…

Thinking through your ideas about love (both by yourself and with others) is both challenging and enlightening. As you review the statements in the post above, you may be tempted to dismiss "those ideas about love" as belonging to someone who is not nearly as 'grown up' as you are…or you may be tempted to brush off these statements as irrelevant to your situation. But don't be fooled…some of these beliefs are in our very core and it is not easy to gauge how much of our 'relational unhappiness' is due to this irrational and unrealistic view of life. Of course if I have the unrealistic expectations then I am the one who needs to change! Always remember this 'truth' about relationships: Change occurs only as we begin thinking about and working on the self --- rather than staying focused on and reactive to the other.

Of course my partner plays an equal role in our marriage, however, I can place way too much pressure on my partner and on my relationship whenever I want my partner to be,

• My friend in this world where I am friendless,
  
• My companion in this world where I am close to no one,
  
• My shield from my aloneness,
  
• My playmate to keep me from getting bored,
  
• My lover (of course I deserve world class treatment here!!), and
  
• She is to be all of this automatically and most of all graciously…according to my whims and needs at the moment (which I myself may not even know!!).
  

I can also burden my relationship (and smother my partner with this suffocating anxiety)…

1. When I expect her to do exactly what I want her to do at the moment I want her to do it and to be happily occupied whenever I am too busy for the relationship
   
2. When I expect her to make me feel wiser more loving, but she better never ever make me feel inferior!
   
3. When I want her to merge with me and complete me and to be me…but don't suffocate me or never bore me!
   
4. When I want her to know my needs and meet my needs (ever heard of "his needs her needs?") even when I am being unreasonable. I once knew a very Christian man who demanded that his wife be a "proverbs 31 woman." Umm, I wonder how much peace, tranquility, and joy emanated from that relationship!?!? Doesn't that just radiate grace?!!
   
5. When I want her to extend grace to me (forgive or at least overlook my limitations…) while I reject her imperfections!
   

Can you feel the pressure this type of a relationship would experience? Of course this anxiety forces us to face ourselves and think. These expectations have a way of rearing their ugly heads whenever we go through a stressful period of life, even the normal stressful periods like children getting married and grandbabies coming and/or even changing jobs or building a house!

The great news is whenever I see these irrational parts in me, I can learn to master myself and learn self control. This leads to 'grown up' marriages…where I can choose to believe 'truth' rather than some 'lie' I have picked up along the way.

Laughing Through Life Is Grand!

Tomorrow is my birthday (as my friend Owen often says, "Having another birthday beats the alternative!") and yesterday (August 13) was the birthday of one of my favorite cartoonists.

Now I know there is Hart and Parker (of The Wizard of Id fame), Charles Shultz (Peanuts) and Hank Ketchum (Dennis the Menace) but I have always loved Gary Larson. Gary created "The Far Side" and for many years he specialized in comics that provided jokes for a thinking people. Most of the comics had some connection to science or mathematics and usually were the types of creations that you would find in a college professor's office as an example of his "idiosyncratic" sense of humor. I have always enjoyed Larson's work because it was funny and it was comedy that made you think. I can show the pictures to my sons and wife and even buy a book with a collection of his work and leave it out where 'company' can pick it up and leaf through it. So enjoy a few pictures from "The Far Side" and pass them on to your friends. Now there are some people who look at his work and wonder 'what is so funny?' and of course if you have to explain it, it is no longer funny.

Proverbs 17:22 states "A happy and healthy outlook on life brings healing" so lets enjoy today and learn to laugh.

Explore Your Ideas About Love

What are your ideas about love, romance, and relationships? Exploring your ideas about love and relationships can be beneficial, not only to you but to your partner. Not long ago I worked with a couple who were in the morass of the post- affair swamp of confusion, hurt, and anger. As part of their work they were encouraged to explore their ideas about love. Below is a short list they worked through and they each rated their own opinion as to what constitutes a ‘good relationship.’

Before you complete this, let me point out that many times my unrealistic expectations, not my partner, may be responsible for my dissatisfaction with the relationship. Here are the directions. Read each statement carefully and then answer accordingly

5 = I Strongly Agree
4 = I Agree
3 = I Moderately Agree
2 = I Slightly Agree
1 = I Do not agree

_______ "My partner and I should feel a deep, unspoken bond at-all times."

_______ "My partner should be able to anticipate my needs."

_______ "I shouldn't have to work for love."

_______ "I shouldn't have to work to be 'trusted."

_______ "I deserve to be loved."

_______ "The chemistry is either right or wrong."

_______ "My partner should love me unconditionally."

_______ "My partner should be emotionally available to me whenever I need him or her."

_______ "Love is a feeling that can't be forced or manufactured. It either exists or it doesn't"

_______ "A good marriage is free of conflict"

_______ ''If I'm not happy in my relationship, it's my partner's fault."

_______ "We shouldn't have to work at feeling sexual desire for each other; it should come naturally or not at all."

_______ '"When passion dies, so does the relationship."

This post-affair couple discovered that most of their pre-affair relationship was built upon illusions, myths, and sometimes even delusions. Of course you and I both know that that this faulty foundation did not cause him to go out and commit adultery…anyway, tally up your point total see how you faired.

Scoring Key:

• If your score was between 45 and 65 you are living in the valley of illusion…not only are your glasses ‘rose colored’ your ‘head is probably in the sand’ as well!! You are being set up for ‘heart-ache heart- ache heart-ache.’ Your partner can not nor will ever live up to those expectations and of course neither do you!
  
• If your score was between 26 and 44 you have some high expectations and hopefully you are slowly puncturing your balloon. If you don’t puncture it, someone or something else will. Use this time to truly understand yourself and your partner.
  
• If you score is less than 26 then you have a fairly good grasp of love, love expectations, and reality. A relationship built on truth, honesty, and commitment has a chance to survive in this world and also is the most satisfying.
  

How are you in your relationships? Want to to read more? In Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, Robin Smith digs deeper into what makes good marriages great!

"Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters..."

Baseball hall of famer Harmon Killebrew tells a story that describes the impact that fathers and men have upon boys. He said (click this link and you can hear the emotion in his voice!), “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard, Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ And Dad would reply ‘We’re not raising grass. We’re raising boys.’”
The needs of Killebrew and his brothers was a driving force in his dad’s life. We accept that every boy needs a father as easily as we accept the notion that he needs a dog. However, a father is far more crucial than a dog to the boy’s well-being but the question of how important fathers are to the well-being of their daughters is just being recognized.

John Mayer wrote:

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the God and the weight of her world

As I watch my wife of 30 years interact with her sisters and as I observe their relationship with their father (my father-in-law) I am awed at the impact this man has upon these girls. Even now, my wife shines with delight as she talks to her dad via the phone and worries with cares as she sees him age. How many times have I heard her say, “You know Daddy just can’t do that anymore…?” In addition, you can ‘see’ on her face the love, care, and concern she has for this man.

I remember walking down our sidewalk one time when they visited and thanking him for raising ‘this girl’ that I love. I thanked him for never violating her nor for damaging her heart. I will never forget his old weathered face quivering with tears springing into his eyes. Moreover, in typical fashion he said, “Oh I have not been perfect and have made mistakes…” And his voice trailed off and I added, “But you loved her!” And he said, “I do…”

Not every daughter has a father like my wife. Many relationships between daughters and fathers are best characterized by ‘distance.’ The distance many times is both physical (they never see each other and he may not even attend her wedding) and emotional (she has no idea what he believes, what he thinks, nor what he feels, she does not even know his core values)

If a daughter's relationship with her father is very distant, it may seem that by the time she is grown and married it has become too late to do anything about it. Dr. Linda Nielsen, a psychologist and a professor of Adolescent Psychology and Women's Studies at Wake Forest University, says it is never too late. She has constructed and taught a unique course “Fathers and Daughters” nearly 20 years. This one of kind class (along with a companion book Embracing Your Father: How to Create the Relationship You Always Wanted With Your Dad, McGraw Hill, 2004) has helped many young women repair this very important family relationship.

She recently told Vision "Unfortunately, the sad fact is that most fathers and daughters do not know each other nearly as well or spend nearly as much time together as mothers and daughters do… you're told, as a Dad--once puberty hits you aren't supposed to spend as much time with your daughter. Once she is a teenager, you are supposed to back off and let Mom have the main relationship. If that's the message you're sent and you're told that's what a 'good father' does, then that's what you're going to do."

While many men are simply following society’s directions, encouraged by many dynamics, stereotypes of our post patriarchal world and culture, his distance may not be his responsibility alone. The daughter plays a role in her relationship with her dad as well. In any case, it is never too late to bring change to the relationship. Whether the change is one of ‘we are closer now’ or one where you have simply gained a more adult/mature/rational perspective of your dad’s world, the results will affect you and grant you greater sense of belonging and happiness.