Talking about Alabama woman, 81, faces trial in urination case

August 02
Well I wonder how long it will take before National News picks up this story. We have the story of a police officer arresting a noted Harvard professor and the ensuing paranoia over racial insensitivity and a president who stated the police acted 'stupidly.' I wonder what President Obama would say about Mobile, Alabama police arresting a 81 year old female for urinating behind a clump of trees? She will be 82 when she stands for trial!! I guess if the police officer in Cambridge acted stupidly then the officers in Mobile acted in a similar fashion. The charge you ask? Public lewdness...oh yeah?

Doing Versus Being...is it built into the Fallen DNA??

I held him tight and said with emotions choking my voice, "You are my son" and in a muffled reply, I heard, "I am trying Dad, I am trying..."

Amazing to witness...do you get the picture? Here is Dad, heart open, mind open, spirit open, arms open...and he is holding close his son. Here is Son, who believes one more time, "If I try harder and do more then I am worthy of love...and I may be called his son."

I spoke recently to a inter/non denominational church up at Lake Martin and began by stating that 'today, I am going to talk about our two biggest challenges in this life.' I know that sounds a bit grandious, but hear me out...I did not talk about economics nor recessions nor heaven nor hell. I did state that 'the deep supreme desire of every human heart is to be loved without condition' (struggle number one) and 'every human heart struggles in allowing themselves to be loved unconditionally.'

Those were the two challenges I spoke of on that day. Those are the two challenges I face every day. In a world that believes in Karma (you know, what goes around comes around...I realize Karma is a bit more sophisticated than that but here in south Alabama that about covers it) and in a world that values 'what have you done for me lately' and in a world that really does believe you deserve to reap what you sow...love is hard to come by and yet without that love the human heart develops a tear...a hole.

Humans are driven by performance, competition, comparison. But it is the holes in the human heart that are the problem! Healing those holes only can be accomplished with love, lots of love, unconditional love, ah yes, love, so hug yourself tightly, allow yourself to be loved, and know that you are already alright!

The Legacy of Divorce Continues to Grow....

There was a time when the number disrupter of families was death but in the early 1960s that began to change. Social structures changed and we began moving towards a culture of divorce. In 2000 Judith Wallerstein (http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248794199&sr=8-1) published the 25 year 'landmark' study called "the unexpected legacy of divorce" in which she and her fellow researchers discovered that the divorced family is not a truncated version of the two-parent family but it is a different kind of family. In this different family the children she followed for 25 years (all types of divorce were represented in her sample) felt less protected and more anxious about their future than children raised in reasonably good intact families. Mothers and fathers who share their beds with different people are not not the same as mothers and fathers living under the same roof. She 'discovered' the divorced family has an entirely new cast of characters and relationships that features steps (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters), seconds (marriages and divorces), and often a series of live-ins.

Now the 'new' study just released this week posits divorce can make you sick. Researchers analyzed data from nearly 9,000 adults nationwide, ages 51 to 61, and found those who had been divorced or widowed suffered 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, than individuals who were currently married. Divorce can be so traumatic that not even tying the knot again is enough to reverse the physical and mental toll.

Of course if one is in a 'toxic' relationship where there is physical and/or mental abuse then the health benefits of divorce may outweigh the risks of staying in the relationship.

I see couples everyday who are in "bad" marriages and as a psychologist and family therapist who is pro marriage, I coach them in finding ways to make it better. Many times a couple will commit to working on themselves and the relationship for the 'sake of the kids' and that motivation can see them through tough days. Now we have a new motivation, 'stick together for the sake of health."

Learning to Be Intimate...

True intimacy is not a natural nor an easy place to 'get to' and yet that is what our hearts crave. We desire to 'expose our true selves' to someone and to be 'known' by someone.

What we often think will work between couples to 'reach' true intimacy does not work. Consider the couple who bases their relationship upon the following: “I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself and if you don't, I won't either. But I really want to, so you have to. Now I will go first and then you will be obligated to open up to me. It is only fair. If I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!”

I often refer to this type of 'negotiation' as the “Miss Piggy Syndrome.” There is little doubt as to what is happening here. Couples with trust issues, communication issues, and many other struggles are locked into this type of intimacy.

Maturity and honesty bring to the surface another and deeper experience of intimacy...one the human heart craves and it takes the rawest kind of courage and the more rigorously honest heart. Listen to this heart as it takes a stand and cries out, “I don't expect you to agree with me because I know you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and make me feel good about me. But I want you to love me and I know you can't really do that f you don't know me. I don't want your rejection but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. And one day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to look back and know you knew me.”

Ah, yes, true intimacy...does he know you? Does she know you? Take courage, step up, let yourself be known!

Disturbing the Sounds of Silence

The number one complaint I hear in the therapy room is, "we have communication issues!" It often sounds like, "He just doesn't talk!" or "she just doesn't understand me" or "we fight about everything!" Whatever 'communication issues' look like they are real and they are real for a purpose.

The only way two people can have a relationship is through communication and the only way two people can have a deep abiding relationship is to have a deep level of communication. A relationship will only be as good as its communication. When you and I can honestly tell each other who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, love, honor, hate, fear, desire, wish for, believe in, hope for, have passion for and are committed to, then and only then can either of us grow. Without a relationship I am nothing and I can never know who I am without a relationship…it is the only way I can ever find God and His grace in this life.

I must have freedom and cultivate the ability to tell you my thoughts, to tell you my judgments, to tell you my fears, to tell you my vulnerabilities. Many years ago, she said to me, "I don't know anything about you that everyone else does not already know!" I thought, "What on earth do you mean?" I did not have a clue as to what she meant…but I ask for more information and she offered, "Well, what are your vulnerabilities?" "Vulnerabilities? What are you talking about?"

Of course, I was wondering, 'do I have any?' I mean, real men are those who don't allow others to see them sweat…and I was so good at not allowing others to see me sweat that I had forgotten that at times I did sweat!! Several days went by and then one night our son, who was two at the time, was "exercising" and I stepped out to show him the 'right' way to exercise. As I squatted down to begin the rhythmic movements he and she both giggled at my awkwardness. A flash of pure fire exploded from within my gut and I whirled to her and said in slow even tones, "That is one! that is one! I hate it when people laugh at me." I immediately sat down and the little fella climbed up between us and stroked my arm. Ah, yes, one of my 'vulnerable' moments that I was made was aware of and furthermore, was able to share!

Only as I expose to you my fears and my shames, to tell you of my failures and my triumphs, can I be really sure what it is that I am and what I can become! Only as I know myself can I let myself be known. I must be able to tell you who I am before I can fully know who I am. Relationships are as healthy as the bloodlines of open and honest communication. Open up you may just discover yourself!

Improving Emotionally Committed Relationships

Turbulence in emotionally committed relationships is the norm rather than the exception. In the face of such "upsetness" most of us struggle with feelings of apathy, rejection, frustration, etc. A major key to navigating such inner turmoil is to reflect and focus on the self rather than on your partner or the relationship.

As an example, whenever I got upset and I focused on my partner and I blamed her for my feelings ("You make me so mad when you do ____________.") and when she would accept the blame for my feelings (that is, when she would feel responsible for them somehow) I thought I had it made! (Curious question here, how many "I"s are in the previous sentence?) Now you realize and know our relationship suffered over my selfishness and we were emotionally stuck. We were in the proverbial gridlock and stalemate of life!

Years ago some wise person told me, "She does not make you mad!" I remember thinking that was about the dumbest thing anyone had ever told me, I mean he did not know her, I did! I mean, he would be mad too if he ___________!

The problem was, I only thought I knew her and of course I did not know myself at all! Hello wake up! What a revelation it was for me to recognize that I was responsible for my behaviors and my thoughts and most importantly my feelings and attitudes! No longer did she have to bear the brunt of my ego centric selfishness. It was quite plain, I had feelings and they were mine! What do you do with these feelings? Do you deny them or 'stuff them' or act like they are not there…no. You must discover yourself by knowing your emotions and attitudes and only then are you worthy to 'know' your partner!

Here is a critical key to long-term emotionally committed relationships succeeding…learn to self-sooth. Self-soothing is developing the ability to tolerate discomfort in the relationship for the good of the relationship, personal growth, and the nurturing your partner. This 'art' is like driving a car. You can read books about 'car driving', you can watch movies about 'car driving' but you can only learn to drive a car by, yep you guessed it, driving a car. In much the same way, self-soothing can only be developed through testing, which means you will have to be in a stressful situation to practice soothing. This being said, you will feel raised and maybe new anxiety while attempting to develop this new approach but over time you will be able to more readily lower your reactivity in stressful situations so that your relationship can mature. Here are a few pointers and suggestions to remember today (while you are calm) so you can recall them when the 'storms' hit.

Don't take your partner's behavior personally (even if they did 'mean it personally' why take it that way?)

If you cannot regulate your emotions, control your behavior (you can always control you actions!)

Stop the negative mental tapes that "awfulize" the situation ("this is awful, it will never end!!")

Soothing may require a temporary break with your partner in order to calm down and think clearly (a little distance, such as sleeping on the couch, or going for walk, clears the mind!)

Remember the purpose of self-soothing is to increase intimacy in your relationship not to help you feel "right" while your partner is "wrong" (nuff said!)

This is a time to "replenish" yourself not to punish your partner (don't make your crap about your partner!)

This is also a time to seek clarity and to challenge yourself by asking "What is it about me that responds to you in this manner?"

A Society In Regression

Picture a woman turning a corner and clipping the edge of a stopped car and then proceeding on the down the street. Several people were watching the event and were surprised at her driving off. The hit car belongs to a teenager who jumps out and runs after the hit-and-run driver and catches up at a red light. He reaches in and takes her keys and says "we need to call the police." She screams out, "You hit my car, you hit my car!" He realizes just how nutty she is, gives the keys back and begins to drive off. She jumps out in front of him waving wildly to stop him and he swerves to miss her and continues down the street while noticing in the rear view mirror that she is sitting in the middle of the street beating her chest! Two or three months go by and one day the police arraign the teenager for 'hitting the jaw of the woman' when he reached in to take her keys. At the trial the judge opines he has never seen so many witnesses come forward to testify for the defendant and he reprimands the woman and all "the monkey business" she created.

How did this situation get this far? This woman had persistently gone to the court and whined week after week and the person who decided if a charge should levied finally gave in (against her better judgment I may add) and let this farce of a charge go to trial…just to be rid of her. This decision cost the teenager time off work, money on court costs, and emotional exasperation of the fallible system.

Societal regression is an emotional process that societies go through when at least five characteristics are seen at all levels of the society (freely adapted from Edwin Friedman's writings):

1. Emotional Reactivity: the vicious cycle of intense reactions of people to events and to each other
   
2. The Herd Mentality: the process through which the energy for togetherness (read, sameness) overcomes the energy for individuality…and everyone moves to adapt to the least mature people.
   
3. The Blame Game: the emotional state in which family members focus on forces that victimized them rather than taking responsibility for their own being and destiny
   
4. Quick-fix mentality: the emotional state that has no or little tolerance for pain and constantly seeks relief than fundamental change
   
5. Lack of Clearly Defined Leadership: Is a failure of leadership seen when the leader is instinctual driven rather than regulating her emotions, adapts to group weakness, fearful to take any convictional stand, and is constantly putting out fires…this type of "leadership" is both a product of and contributes to 1 – 4.
   

Societal regression is profoundly more than just going backward! This regression is a likened to "devolution" and an increasing in immaturity rather than increased maturity in people who are learning to emotionally self regulate. We can have great 'progress' with technology and even with economics and at the same time 'go backward' emotionally.

Fundamental change can only occur when individuals pay attention to themselves and their reactions to what goes on around them (the emotional processes that govern our lives), so today I am placing behind me the folly of trying to will others to change and will continue to increase my tolerance for discomfort and focus on the moment!