Learning to Be Intimate...

True intimacy is not a natural nor an easy place to 'get to' and yet that is what our hearts crave. We desire to 'expose our true selves' to someone and to be 'known' by someone.

What we often think will work between couples to 'reach' true intimacy does not work. Consider the couple who bases their relationship upon the following: “I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself and if you don't, I won't either. But I really want to, so you have to. Now I will go first and then you will be obligated to open up to me. It is only fair. If I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!”

I often refer to this type of 'negotiation' as the “Miss Piggy Syndrome.” There is little doubt as to what is happening here. Couples with trust issues, communication issues, and many other struggles are locked into this type of intimacy.

Maturity and honesty bring to the surface another and deeper experience of intimacy...one the human heart craves and it takes the rawest kind of courage and the more rigorously honest heart. Listen to this heart as it takes a stand and cries out, “I don't expect you to agree with me because I know you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and make me feel good about me. But I want you to love me and I know you can't really do that f you don't know me. I don't want your rejection but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. And one day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to look back and know you knew me.”

Ah, yes, true intimacy...does he know you? Does she know you? Take courage, step up, let yourself be known!

Disturbing the Sounds of Silence

The number one complaint I hear in the therapy room is, "we have communication issues!" It often sounds like, "He just doesn't talk!" or "she just doesn't understand me" or "we fight about everything!" Whatever 'communication issues' look like they are real and they are real for a purpose.

The only way two people can have a relationship is through communication and the only way two people can have a deep abiding relationship is to have a deep level of communication. A relationship will only be as good as its communication. When you and I can honestly tell each other who we are, what we think, judge, feel, value, love, honor, hate, fear, desire, wish for, believe in, hope for, have passion for and are committed to, then and only then can either of us grow. Without a relationship I am nothing and I can never know who I am without a relationship…it is the only way I can ever find God and His grace in this life.

I must have freedom and cultivate the ability to tell you my thoughts, to tell you my judgments, to tell you my fears, to tell you my vulnerabilities. Many years ago, she said to me, "I don't know anything about you that everyone else does not already know!" I thought, "What on earth do you mean?" I did not have a clue as to what she meant…but I ask for more information and she offered, "Well, what are your vulnerabilities?" "Vulnerabilities? What are you talking about?"

Of course, I was wondering, 'do I have any?' I mean, real men are those who don't allow others to see them sweat…and I was so good at not allowing others to see me sweat that I had forgotten that at times I did sweat!! Several days went by and then one night our son, who was two at the time, was "exercising" and I stepped out to show him the 'right' way to exercise. As I squatted down to begin the rhythmic movements he and she both giggled at my awkwardness. A flash of pure fire exploded from within my gut and I whirled to her and said in slow even tones, "That is one! that is one! I hate it when people laugh at me." I immediately sat down and the little fella climbed up between us and stroked my arm. Ah, yes, one of my 'vulnerable' moments that I was made was aware of and furthermore, was able to share!

Only as I expose to you my fears and my shames, to tell you of my failures and my triumphs, can I be really sure what it is that I am and what I can become! Only as I know myself can I let myself be known. I must be able to tell you who I am before I can fully know who I am. Relationships are as healthy as the bloodlines of open and honest communication. Open up you may just discover yourself!

Improving Emotionally Committed Relationships

Turbulence in emotionally committed relationships is the norm rather than the exception. In the face of such "upsetness" most of us struggle with feelings of apathy, rejection, frustration, etc. A major key to navigating such inner turmoil is to reflect and focus on the self rather than on your partner or the relationship.

As an example, whenever I got upset and I focused on my partner and I blamed her for my feelings ("You make me so mad when you do ____________.") and when she would accept the blame for my feelings (that is, when she would feel responsible for them somehow) I thought I had it made! (Curious question here, how many "I"s are in the previous sentence?) Now you realize and know our relationship suffered over my selfishness and we were emotionally stuck. We were in the proverbial gridlock and stalemate of life!

Years ago some wise person told me, "She does not make you mad!" I remember thinking that was about the dumbest thing anyone had ever told me, I mean he did not know her, I did! I mean, he would be mad too if he ___________!

The problem was, I only thought I knew her and of course I did not know myself at all! Hello wake up! What a revelation it was for me to recognize that I was responsible for my behaviors and my thoughts and most importantly my feelings and attitudes! No longer did she have to bear the brunt of my ego centric selfishness. It was quite plain, I had feelings and they were mine! What do you do with these feelings? Do you deny them or 'stuff them' or act like they are not there…no. You must discover yourself by knowing your emotions and attitudes and only then are you worthy to 'know' your partner!

Here is a critical key to long-term emotionally committed relationships succeeding…learn to self-sooth. Self-soothing is developing the ability to tolerate discomfort in the relationship for the good of the relationship, personal growth, and the nurturing your partner. This 'art' is like driving a car. You can read books about 'car driving', you can watch movies about 'car driving' but you can only learn to drive a car by, yep you guessed it, driving a car. In much the same way, self-soothing can only be developed through testing, which means you will have to be in a stressful situation to practice soothing. This being said, you will feel raised and maybe new anxiety while attempting to develop this new approach but over time you will be able to more readily lower your reactivity in stressful situations so that your relationship can mature. Here are a few pointers and suggestions to remember today (while you are calm) so you can recall them when the 'storms' hit.

Don't take your partner's behavior personally (even if they did 'mean it personally' why take it that way?)

If you cannot regulate your emotions, control your behavior (you can always control you actions!)

Stop the negative mental tapes that "awfulize" the situation ("this is awful, it will never end!!")

Soothing may require a temporary break with your partner in order to calm down and think clearly (a little distance, such as sleeping on the couch, or going for walk, clears the mind!)

Remember the purpose of self-soothing is to increase intimacy in your relationship not to help you feel "right" while your partner is "wrong" (nuff said!)

This is a time to "replenish" yourself not to punish your partner (don't make your crap about your partner!)

This is also a time to seek clarity and to challenge yourself by asking "What is it about me that responds to you in this manner?"

A Society In Regression

Picture a woman turning a corner and clipping the edge of a stopped car and then proceeding on the down the street. Several people were watching the event and were surprised at her driving off. The hit car belongs to a teenager who jumps out and runs after the hit-and-run driver and catches up at a red light. He reaches in and takes her keys and says "we need to call the police." She screams out, "You hit my car, you hit my car!" He realizes just how nutty she is, gives the keys back and begins to drive off. She jumps out in front of him waving wildly to stop him and he swerves to miss her and continues down the street while noticing in the rear view mirror that she is sitting in the middle of the street beating her chest! Two or three months go by and one day the police arraign the teenager for 'hitting the jaw of the woman' when he reached in to take her keys. At the trial the judge opines he has never seen so many witnesses come forward to testify for the defendant and he reprimands the woman and all "the monkey business" she created.

How did this situation get this far? This woman had persistently gone to the court and whined week after week and the person who decided if a charge should levied finally gave in (against her better judgment I may add) and let this farce of a charge go to trial…just to be rid of her. This decision cost the teenager time off work, money on court costs, and emotional exasperation of the fallible system.

Societal regression is an emotional process that societies go through when at least five characteristics are seen at all levels of the society (freely adapted from Edwin Friedman's writings):

1. Emotional Reactivity: the vicious cycle of intense reactions of people to events and to each other
   
2. The Herd Mentality: the process through which the energy for togetherness (read, sameness) overcomes the energy for individuality…and everyone moves to adapt to the least mature people.
   
3. The Blame Game: the emotional state in which family members focus on forces that victimized them rather than taking responsibility for their own being and destiny
   
4. Quick-fix mentality: the emotional state that has no or little tolerance for pain and constantly seeks relief than fundamental change
   
5. Lack of Clearly Defined Leadership: Is a failure of leadership seen when the leader is instinctual driven rather than regulating her emotions, adapts to group weakness, fearful to take any convictional stand, and is constantly putting out fires…this type of "leadership" is both a product of and contributes to 1 – 4.
   

Societal regression is profoundly more than just going backward! This regression is a likened to "devolution" and an increasing in immaturity rather than increased maturity in people who are learning to emotionally self regulate. We can have great 'progress' with technology and even with economics and at the same time 'go backward' emotionally.

Fundamental change can only occur when individuals pay attention to themselves and their reactions to what goes on around them (the emotional processes that govern our lives), so today I am placing behind me the folly of trying to will others to change and will continue to increase my tolerance for discomfort and focus on the moment!

Grace Understood in “Saving Private Ryan”

This post came from The Mockingbird Blogspot. I have included in its entirety…it is hard to improve upon this (http://mockingbirdnyc.blogspot.com/2009/04/matm-saving-private-ryan.html). I include a brief point at the end…enjoy and learn a bit more about GRACE…that ever elusive and indefinable TRUTH -- it often escapes us personally and conceptually but I still love to know more!!!

James Ryan walks through the American Cemetery in Normandy, an old man. He stops at a headstone, and falls to his knees, tears in his eyes. The headstone reads: John Miller. As Ryan's wife comes to his side, he says through his tears, "Have I been a good man? Tell me I've lived a good life." Moved, his wife assures Ryan that he has. Yet the tears don't abate. James Ryan can't be sure if he's been good enough.
In Saving Private Ryan, Steven Spielberg marshals a wonderful ensemble cast to tell a wonderfully scripted, beautifully shot, movingly acted, and soul-crushingly judgmental story. John Miller is tasked with taking a squad of 8 men to find just one. Private James Ryan is the fourth son of a woman who has lost the other three in World War II. It has been decided that she will not lose a fourth. Miller's squad eventually loses every man in the effort to save Private Ryan.
Miller meets his own end defending a bridge by Ryan's side. With his last breath, he looks at Private Ryan and whispers, "Earn this." With these words, he dies. We flash sixty years into the future, and the octogenarian Ryan has clearly lived his entire life with this great weight on his shoulders. Has he indeed earned the salvation that Miller's squad gave their lives for? Miller himself, earlier in the film, muses, "He better be worth it. He'd better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb." Has he discovered a cure for malaria? Has he invented cold fusion? That awesome upside-down ketchup bottle? As viewers, we aren't given to know. What we do know, however, is that he's worried. Why else does he beseech his wife to comfort him? We see that he has a beautiful family. His wife tells him he has been a good man. Clearly, leading a good life has not freed him from the judgment of Miller's words.

Christians too often hear these words, "Earn this," coming from Jesus' lips as he dies on the cross. We hear sermons to this effect: "Is the life you're living worth the death he died?" We live our lives trying to earn it, to become someone for whom such a sacrifice isn't so radically inappropriate. We turn into old James Ryans, worried that it hasn't been quite enough. The most shocking revelation of the film is that Ryan's wife has no idea who John Miller is! Miller's judgment has been so heavy that Ryan has not been able to share his name or story with his beloved for his whole life!
But Jesus doesn't say, "Earn this" from the cross. He says, "It is finished." Even more radically, he says, "I tell the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." The message of the Gospel is diametrically opposed to John Miller's "Earn this." Miller applies the law to Ryan's future in a way that Ryan can never escape. No matter how profound an altruist Ryan may become, the profundity of Miller's sacrifice will never allow Ryan to feel satisfied, or safe from Miller's judgment-from-beyond-the-grave. One word of law destroys the grace Miller shows in sacrificing his life for Ryan. But it is not so with Christ.

No word of law escapes Christ's lips from the cross. Incredibly, the word of law is applied to Christ ("My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"). We are freed, and safe. We don't feel compelled to hide what Jesus has done for us, as Ryan hid what Miller did for him, because Jesus expects nothing of us. Our Savior doesn't say, "Earn this." He says, "It is finished…you will be with me in paradise."

MY input is: I remember what Scott Hoezee tells about CS Lewis (in THE RIDDLE OF GRACE)...Scott writes that during a British conference on comparative religions, experts were debating what was unique about the CHRISTIAN faith. Was it the INCARNATION? Was it the RESURRECTION? On and on the discussion rambled when LEWIS walked into the room and asked "What is this rumpus about?" When he heard the debated issue he replied, "Oh, that's easy. It's GRACE!" And after further discussion all of the attendees were in accord with LEWIS, it is GRACE. The Unconditional LOVE OF GOD 'shed abroad in our hearts', the no strings attached GOODNESS of GOD pour out into our world 'free of charge!' That is the unique message of CHRIST! Not KARMA (you know, 'what goes around comes around'), not some BUDDHIST multiple pathway to NIRVANA, not the ISLAMIC CODE OF LAW, not the JEWISH CODE OF BEHAVIORS...NO, NO, NO!! There is NO need to EARN HIS APPROVAL...HE gives it to me! And I am deeply loved by God, completely accepted by God, fully pleasing to God, and possess eternal value because Christ gave His life to me and for me! I stand approved! My picture is on God's fridge door!!

What Do You Say To Someone Overcome with Shame!!!

Guilt is a God given emotional experience that is causes a person to change their behavior, often ask for grace and forgiveness, and lasts for about 10 minutes or so.......
However, many people suffer from shame...shame is a posture of life...shame says there is something fundamentally missing in my life...shame becomes my identity.
Shame is the core of most people who were reared in strict religious homes, were abused by trusted caregivers, or who have experienced some trauma in their life. Shame is not from God and causes one to be ashamed of who they are as a person and GRACE is the only hope for the shame based person. I know...I know...
For all who suffer shame and know God's Grace...let me say! You have great worth apart from your performance!! You know why? Because Christ gave HIS LIFE for you and thereby imparted ETERNAL VALUE to you...you are deeply loved by GOD, fully pleasing TO GOD, completely accepted by GOD, and totally forgiven by GOD.......now don't let anything in this life cloud your mind and erode this ETERNAL TRUTH!
Be free from your shame...

David Wilkerson is NO PROPHET!

There are NO prophets today!!

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=91097

Screwed up eschatology and emotion laden theology drives a fear based message! I mean what is the difference between Edgar Cayce/ Jean Dixon/Nostradamus and David Wilkerson?

Fear freezes the human soul in the past and constrains the human heart from enjoying the fullness of life! The crackpot Wilkerson (http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/) does not speak for God, never has, still does not and never will! God does not 'speak' that way today (Hebrews 1:1-2)! That is settled once for all!!

Fear is simply False Evidence Appearing Real and messages of fear appear real until they are critically examined for rational evidence and here with Wilkerson's message, none is found! Bereft of any rational basis, I soundly dismiss this 'message of doom and gloom!' An American Specific judgment is myopic and arrogant! I mean, think with me here, we are only 5% (really on 4.2%) of the world's population and yet we are to receive the majority of God's blessings and thereby the majority of God's judgment? You have got to be kidding?? Jesus Christ is my judgment and I am in NO fear of God's judgment (1 John 2:1-3).

It angers me that many people whom I love will tremble when hearing Wilkerson's words. Their faith and childhood psyche harkens back to gloom and doom and impending catastrophe! There is no hope, no grace, no goodness, and no love in that message. The fragile spirit of many will be crushed by such a message…that is not the message of the New Covenant (by the bye, Wilkerson and his ilk, seem to revel in citing Old Covenant passages that are specially written to someone other than today's Christ follower!!)! Begone you hobgoblin of fear! Brennan Manning once said this about the Specter of Fear, "A pox on you and your children!!"

No fear can live here!! Not in my heart! A heart of "love drives out fear!" (1 John 4:18).

I slept well last night and now I finish my morning brew of Brazil roast. Enjoy today, tomorrow, don't allow your tomorrows be limited by your fears!